


TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death

by eneli



Series: vigilante tommy go brrrr [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Dadza, Fluff, Gen, Hero Technoblade, Hero Wilbur, Kinda, Light Angst, Maybe - Freeform, Minor Violence, PogChamp, Swearing, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit Friendship, Twins actually, Vigilante TommyInnit, Vigilantism, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade are Siblings, clementime, hero philza, i honestly forgot how to tag for a moment there, i mean it’s tommyinnit, idk - Freeform, no beta lmao what even is that, not treated that seriously tbh, sbi dynamic probably, um
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29230860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eneli/pseuds/eneli
Summary: “I uh,” Tommy starts, not knowing how to break this to the hero lightly. He hates to be the bearer of bad news. “I think your powers are broken? It’s not a bad thing of course, but like, I swear you tried to mind control me and it like, totally failed. Which is fine, honestly, don’t feel insecure. Everyone’s power stop working sometimes… I think.”Sheesh, this is very awkward. Why is no one else talking? Why is Philza looking at him like he grew three heads? Why is the Blade staring at him so intensely? Why is Willow still frozen?“Did I, did I hit a nerve? Yikes,” Tommy hisses, “Well um,” He steps back, bracing his legs and bending his knees, “This was like super fun, but I’m - I’mma head out.”or,in which Tommy manages to annoy the hell out of Phil, Techno and Wilbur by being both impossible to catch and irritatingly endearing.or or,a crack fic where Tommy is a vigilante and Phil, Techno and Wilbur are the heroes hunting him down.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smtih | Tubbo, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: vigilante tommy go brrrr [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2201976
Comments: 1823
Kudos: 7300
Collections: Dream SMP Fics (Mainly Tommyinnit (Yeah I'm That Bitch)), Found family to make me feel something, Kai's Library, MCYT Fic Rec, Purrsonal Picks, SBI because I crave found family, smp stuff





	1. TommyInnit The Courageous Vigilante Who Constantly Avoids Death

**Author's Note:**

> this is a mess lmao. its 1am once again and my brain went annoying vigilante tommy who annoys the shit out of sbi  
> so here we are  
> this is like a prologue i guess  
> idk this is a crackfic so dont expect much lmao
> 
> enjoy

  
  


There is fire and there is chaos. Screams of the forgotten echo in the forsaken land. Ash smothers the air, blackening lungs. The voices beg for mercy, beg for help, beg for salvation. 

A little boy can’t breathe. A little boy stares up at the sky, a poisonous orange hue and prays.

Tommy stares up wide eyed at the clouds as they part to reveal an _angel_. 

The angel is leaving the heavens. Leaving the serenity that is beyond them to _save_ him.

Tommy reaches out a shaky arm, trembling with exhaustion. His vision blurs. 

He feels himself pulled into warm arms and blearily looks up at his saviour. 

Blonde hair and kind blue eyes stare down at him.

Tommy breathes. He’s safe.

  
  


_____

  
  


“Fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, _shit._ ” 

Tommy is in deep shit. He doesn’t know how he’s going to get out of this one.

“Tommy? _Tommy?”_ Tubbo’s voice crackles through his earpiece, frantic with worry.

“Tubbo shut the fuck up right now, I’m _thinking_ ,” The teenager hisses, crouching down lower when he hears the voices near.

“Tommy don’t tell me to shut up, you dick, I _told_ you not to go down that alley,” Tubbo berates and Tommy _needs_ him to fuck off or he’s not going to make it out of this alive.

He raises a hand to his ear and hastily yanks the electronic out, crushing it in his hands for good measure. _Sorry Tubbo._

“Alright, come on Tommy, think, _think_ ,” He mutters to himself, tone increasing in panic. He can’t die here. He’s too young. He hasn’t even passed his driver’s license.

He surveys the alleyway he has trapped himself in. Dirty, dingy, it’s fucking ugly and it smells. He glances upwards, there’s railings. But they’re so _high_.

Tommy glances down at his feet. A new prototype. Tubbo said the boost function wasn’t ready yet. 

“Where is that brat?!”

He has no time. If the trainers don’t kill him, _they_ will.

Tommy stands up abruptly, no doubt catching the attention of the thugs. This is fine. He can do this.

He takes a step back to brace, knees bending slightly.

“ _There you are,_ thought you could run did you?”

Tommy grins, he turns to the ugly men - honestly, they could at least try to keep up appearances, maybe shave once in a while. Tommy isn’t one to judge on looks alone but _damn_.

“No,” He replies, his heel digs into the pavement. “But I can jump.” 

He leaps off of the ground, soaring high. Tommy lets out a noise of surprised elation, laughing in disbelief as is momentarily suspended in the air. 

This is _so_ pog.

Then he remembers that he is in fact _not_ flying and is falling _fast._ He yelps and barely catches onto the railings, scraping half his body on the way down. He winces.

He can hear the ugly men trying to clamber after him and quickens his pace, climbing up the bars with practised agility. 

The teenager is already steps ahead of them as he makes his way onto the top of a small bakery. They sell good muffins and the owner always gives Tommy one on the house so he makes sure to tip toe over the roof.

As he jumps onto another building, Tommy smirks as he realises he has lost them. 

Hah. No one catches TommyInnit lacking. Not in this economy.

Tommy sighs, exhaustion catching up to him as the adrenaline wears out. He crouches down and sits over the edge of a florist shop. His legs dangle over the edge and he lifts his mask to scratch his chin. 

Tonight’s patrol was kind of intense. His back aches after one guy threw a banana at him. Honestly what the fuck. Why was that banana so big? Where did he even get that banana?

Tommy feels a buzz on his ass and realises he’s been sitting on his phone. He pulls it out.

15 missed calls and 34 texts.

Tubbo is going to defenestrate him. He’s going to have to replace another window.

Tommy sighs and puts his phone on Do Not Disturb. It’s a problem for future Tommy. Who is not present Tommy.

Tommy is brought out of his thoughts by the sound of shouting. He almost thinks it’s the thugs, back again for more. 

But _no._ He could recognize those voices _anywhere._

It’s - It’s three of the top ten heroes! Tommy’s fanboy heart soars. His _favourite_ heroes! In his area, in his patrol area. 

This- this is a _miracle_ . A _blessing_ . A gift from the _Gods_.

“Hey, you! What are you doing on that building?”

This is a problem.

Tommy stumbles to his feet, almost falling off the edge of the shop.

What should he say? Oh god, oh god.

He deepens his voice, “Oh you know, just, uh, patrolling the area.”

His idol, his _hero_ the Winged Hero Philza walks out of the darkness of the night. 

“Can you show me your Hero License? Sorry there’s just been a lot of illegal activities going around lately, don’t mean to be a bother mate,” The hero explains.

Tommy could faint, right here, right now. _Philza_ is speaking to _him._

Then the words sink in.

Okay, Tommy may need to backtrack _just_ a little bit. You see, well there’s no easy way to say this but - 

Tommy is not a hero.

Shocker, he knows right? Yes, yes, he knows he had you all fooled, it’s okay. It’s an easy assumption to make because he’s so _courageous_ and _athletic_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic._

But it’s true, Tommy is not a hero.

Tommy is a vigilante.

And he is currently being hunted down by his biggest heroes.

“Hey! Stop running, we won’t hurt you!” The siren hero Willow shouts out to him. Yes, that’s very convincing, Tommy rolls his eyes and then fanboys a bit because oh my god Willow just _shouted_ at him.

“Actually we may hurt you a bit,” The sword hero Blade confesses as he strides after the teenager, menacing sword in hand. The _Blade_ . Oh this is the best thing that’s ever happened to Tommy, like _ever._

Yeah, Tommy may just die tonight. 

But, hey, he met his idols. He will probably die happy.

Tommy leaps from building to building, breath quickening. “Um I actually do have a license,” He keeps his voice dropped an octave. “It’s at my house, so I’m just going to go get it.”

“For some reason we don’t believe you,” Philza calls out. “Wil, can you get him for us please?”

Tommy speeds up because oh _shit_. 

He hears the hero quickly catching up on him. 

“You are being quite difficult right now,” Willow huffs and Tommy looks behind momentarily to see his eyes turning _red._ Holy fuck that is the coolest shit. 

“ _Come here.”_ The whisper carries through the empty streets, sinister and sweet.

Oh god. This is it. This is how he goes down. Pretty epic but still, he wanted to at least tell Tubbo that he ate the last packet of skittles and that _no_ it was in fact not Henry the very cute tabby cat that sneaks into their balcony.

He supposes that secret will follow him to the grave.

Tommy’s still running though. Which is odd. Because well, Willow just spoke in the _voice._

But well, Tommy doesn’t feel like he’s under intense mind control. Then again, he’s never been put under intense mind control so he’s not too sure. 

Tommy looks behind him and almost trips when he sees all three heroes standing frozen on a roof. 

“Did you guys give up? Cause’ that’s like totally fine,” Tommy says, clearing his throat as the silence goes on for too long. He glances at Willow, who stands stock still. Is he frozen? Tommy frowns.

“I uh,” Tommy starts, not knowing how to break this to the hero lightly. He hates to be the bearer of bad news. “I think your powers are broken? It’s not a bad thing of course, but like, I swear you tried to mind control me and it like, totally failed. Which is fine, honestly, don’t feel insecure. Everyone’s power stop working sometimes… I think.” 

Sheesh, this is _very_ awkward. Why is no one else talking? Why is Philza looking at him like he grew three heads? Why is the Blade staring at him so _intensely? Why_ is Willow _still_ frozen?

“Did I, did I hit a nerve? Yikes,” Tommy hisses, “Well um,” He steps back, bracing his legs and bending his knees, “This was like super fun, but I’m - I’mma head out.”

And with that he shoots off into the air and _wow_ this does not get old. He’s never taking these shoes off. 

This time Tommy actually aims where he’s jumping and lands in a pond far enough away from the heroes. 

He sputters water out of his mouth as water pools around his waist. A golden fish swims around his leg, nudging his shin. He picks it up.

“You’re gonna help me with Tubbo,” He whispers fervently to the fish as it gapes at him.

_____

  
  


“Tommy fucking Innit! How _dare_ you destroy the earpiece that _I_ made, that was the fourth one! And then you ignore all my calls and don’t even text me back?! Unbelievable. _Unbelievable._ You are sleeping on the couch for a _week._ You better hope I don’t throw away those bloody shoes, I told you they weren’t ready and you _stole_ them. Honestly, why do I even try with you?! You’ll be lucky if I ever make dinner again, or do the laundry or do _anything._ In fact! I quit, I’m going on strike! From now on, you can do everything and be the responsible one and see if you can keep _your_ sanity!”

Tommy holds out the fish. “I bought you _Clementine.”_ He offers as a sacrifice. The fish gapes.

Tubbo stares at him. He takes the fish carefully. Tommy watches in silence as he walks into the kitchen and places the fish in a cup of water.

Tubbo then walks over to the kitchen window and beckons him over.

Tommy sighs. Clementine wasn’t good enough it seems. 

Tommy thinks it worth it as Tubbo picks him up and chucks him out of the window, closing the doors shut. He looks at Tubbo’s seething expression from his placement in the dumpster and grins.

Such is the life of TommyInnit the _courageous_ and _athletic_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic_ vigilante.

  
  


_____

  
  


Wilbur watches, stunned as the tall masked vigilante launches off into the air and out of sight. 

“Did he just - did he just _break_ out of your mind control?” Phil questions in disbelief, hovering just above the ground as he too looks towards where the vigilante once was.

Wilbur frowns.

Techno snorts, “He just violated your ability, like he wasn’t even trying to be mean and he just, just completely destroyed you.”

Wilbur grits his teeth, “My powers aren’t _broken_.”

Techno smirks, “You sure about that? Because from what _I_ just saw, you totally just failed to mind control him. Was I the only one who saw that? Phil I know you saw it-“

“ _Go walk off the edge of the building.”_

Phil sighs, “Wil, I told you to stop _doing that.”_

Wilbur shrugs, “He was being a dick,” He explains as he watches his twin dive over the edge of the building. 

“That’s not a reason Wil, now he’s going to be all pissy for the rest of the patrol,” Phil grumbles.

Wilbur shrugs again, “Not my problem.” 

Wilbur needs to find that man. How dare he resist his control, how dare he - he make a _fool_ of him.

“Phil, we need to find that guy.”  
  
  



	2. Where Are The Askers?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU TOLD US SOMETHINGS THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT.
> 
> BUT YOU WON'T STOP BLABBING. PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok its 2:44am for me as it seems i cant write this fic at a normal time of day lmao  
> im very tired  
> enjoy my weird brain stuff

  
  


Clementine swims around her cup of water frantic, rapid circles. 

Tommy sighs, “ _Clementine_ , please calm down.”

She swims faster.

“Tubbo?” Tommy calls out, “I think _Clementine_ needs a bigger cup, actually maybe a bowl? No wait - we need a tank. How about an aquarium in the wall?”

Tubbo’s fingers still on the keyboard. He spins around on his spinny chair to face the blonde, an expression of deep, _deep_ , exasperation.

“Put her in a cereal bowl or some shit, do you think we have money to buy a tank? We ate instant noodles for dinner.”

Tommy glances down at Clementine. She swims so fast. So _fast_ . “I’ve got an idea,” He’s a bit offended that Tubbo rolls his eyes, “No, just - just _listen,_ so like what if, what if we save the money we use on food, to buy a tank for _Clementine.”_

Tubbo turns back to the computer, seemingly ignoring him.

“Come on, think about it. We can survive a few days. I swear we have some of those Coco Pop bars somewhere, they’re probably not even out of date. Come on big man, just - just look at _Clementine_ and tell me you want to see her swim around this for eternity.”

Tubbo is playing Slither.io. That game is _so_ old. 

“Tubs, just come on man, look at _her.”_ Tommy stands up, porcelain mug in hand and shoves the thing into Tubbo’s face. Water spills out over the edge and onto the keyboard. 

Tubbo slaps the mug away with a glare, standing up to find paper towels. “I don’t like Clementine.”

Tommy yelps as the mug shakes, wrapping both hands around it as he peers down at the fish in worry. “I’m sorry my child.”

Tubbo reappears with a cloth - he must’ve remembered they ran out of paper towels like two weeks ago. Tommy stares at him intensely.

Tubbo sighs, “Tommy we are not starving ourselves for a dumb _fish_.”

Tommy gasps, “ _Clementine_ , is not a fucking dumb fish. She is a miracle, a blessing, a gift from the gods themselves. She appeared in our lives for a reason Tubbo and I’m disappointed you can’t see that. I hope you reach enlightenment.”

Tubbo stares at him for a moment and then grimaces, like, like just looking at Tommy is difficult for him. 

“Why do you even say it like that?”

Tommy frowns, “Say what?”

“Clementine.”

“I say it like you say it, _Clementine._ ”

“No I said Clementine.”

“ ...Yeah, that’s what I fucking said. _Clementine.”_

“ _No,_ I said Clementine. _You_ said _Clementine.”_

“Literally, what the fuck are you talking about.”

Tubbo runs a hand down his face, “Just - just forget it.”

Tommy just frowns. He glances down at Clementine and shrugs, “He’s a bit weirdchamp.”

“Tommy shut the fuck up, _Jesus_ . Why don’t you go outside and touch some grass, you are talking to a _fish.”_

“ _Clementine,”_ He corrects. 

“Tommy please leave, go for a walk, breathe in some fresh air and come back without that fish.”

Absolutely fucking _not._ Clementine is his day one, his buddy, his amigo, his _soulmate._

Tubbo is insane, clearly.

Tommy snorts, “Okay, yeah that’s not happening. I don’t know why you won’t accept her into the family, but she’s not leaving because you’re jealous.” 

Tubbo lets out a shout of frustration, “I can’t do this. _I can’t do this_.” He whispers to himself, like a madman. Honestly, Tommy should book him a therapy session, he’s clearly got middle child vibes going on. 

Tubbo turns to him, eyes firm. “Y’know what nope. I’m not allowing this. You’re going to go out, you’re going to take that fucking fish and you’re going to put it back in whatever fucking lump of water you bloody found it in. And you’re going to come home _without_ it. Do you understand?”

Tommy goes to protest but he decides to do what is called a _Pro Gamer Move™️_. 

He sighs in disappointment, looking down at Clementine sadly. “For fucksake, _fine._ I’ll return _Clementine.”_ He concedes.

Tubbo lets out a sigh of relief and slumps back into his spinny chair. “Thank you,” He breathes out, sanity returning. “I’m sorry about the fish, but it just isn’t going to work out. You get it right? We’re literally living off of the bare minimum, I mean _heck_ I swear the electricity went out last night.”

Tommy nods solemnly, “Yes it was very sad, I was making tea and the kettle stopped boiling. My tea was lukewarm.”

Tubbo gives him a look of sympathy, “That sucks,” He says sincerely; tea is nothing to joke about. “Well, I’m now going to finish playing Slither.io. Bye bye Clementine, hopefully see you never.”

“ _Clementine_ says bye back,” Tommy speaks on her behalf. 

Tubbo snorts, “I’m sure she does.”

“Well we are going to go now, and y’know return her, to her home. In the water. Away from here. And I’ll come back, without her,” Tommy states, inching away from the living room.

Tubbo gives a hum of acknowledgment.

Tommy smirks behind his back as he leaves, closing the living room door firmly behind him before he tails it to their bedroom.

Clementine swims at super speed in the mug.

_As fucking if._

_Getting rid of Clementine? Not in this economy._

  
  


_______

  
  


Tubbo clearly doesn’t care about Tommy’s safety. Sending him out into the dangerous, dark world at 7:43pm.

He’s lucky that Tommy stole a bunch of tech from their bedroom without asking, otherwise Tubbo may have had a lawsuit for manslaughter on his hands.

Clementine swims majestically in the mug. She’s so beautiful. 

Tommy shifts his mask to scratch an itch on his cheek, cold air brushing against the exposed skin.

He’s on a mission; he’s going to get Clementine a fucking tank.

There are quite a few problems with this mission and Tommy is going to address none of them.

He clutches Clementine close to his chest and braces his feet before jumping off into the air, grinning as he perfects a landing onto a random industrial building. 

Where do you even buy tanks?

Tommy looks down at the town, eyes scanning the shops, most of them already closed early for Sunday. 

He pauses. A supermarket is open. Pogchamp. There should be something for Clementine in there. 

He hops down into an alleyway before making his way onto the street inconspicuously. He’s basically a spy at this point.

As Tommy nears the shop, he frowns, looking in through the windows there seems to be no one at the cashier stations. They really do slacking on the job huh.

Whatever, he’ll find an employee when he gets in. 

Tommy adjusts Clementine to be held in his right hand while he pushes with his other to open the supermarket door.

A beep chimes as he enters, yellow hue lighting making him blink. It’s quiet. 

Everyone must have given up shopping by six o’clock or something. 

Tommy whistles to himself as he makes his way further into the shop, “Gonna get _Clementine_ a tank, gonna get _Clementine_ a tank and then Tubbo is going to have to accept her as a member of our family,” He sings. Honestly Tommy should get an award for being multitalented. 

What _can’t_ he do?

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” A deep voice rumbles behind him. Tommy squawks, but it’s like, a manly squawk.

He turns around and sees a hooded figure, black mask and knife in hand. 

_Shit_.

Did he just walk into the middle of a robbery?

He glances down at Clementine in resignation. Carefully he places her in between two different flavours of Pop Tarts; _Strawberry Sensation_ and _S’mores._

“ _Clementine,_ be good,” He orders before turning back to the masked figure. 

“Look man, I’m just tryna buy a tank for my fish.”

The guy pauses, probably in bewilderment, “ _What?”_

Tommy shifts on his feet, hand reaching behind to pull a pen out of pocket, “Yeah, like, I’m looking for a massive fucking tank that just like, takes up an entire wall. Like an aquarium.”

The guy is silent for a moment, “Where would you even find that?”

Tommy shrugs, “My guess is as good as yours.”

“Huh, I hope you find that tank,” The guy says and hey, this robber is pretty cool. 

Tommy grins, “Thanks, like my best friend totally doesn’t want the fish, but like, fish lives matter too y’know? _Clementine_ can’t speak for herself. I’m her representative.”

“Clementine?”

“Yeah, _Clementine.”_

They stand for a moment in silence.

Tommy sees the exact moment the man is about to attack and narrowly dodges a knife to the throat. _Yikes._

He jabs his thumb hard into the pen and holds it out as it extends into a baton.

“Woah there big man, you need to like calm down,” Tommy chuckles, “I swear, you like, almost killed me there or something? Easy mistake to make, just don’t do it again okay.”

The guy launches another knife that nicks Tommy’s left arm.

Alright. Well that’s just fucking rude.

The vigilante uses the baton to kick himself up into the air and flip over the guy, landing on the opposite side.

He uses the advantage of hindsight to jab the weapon directly into the guy’s back, watching as he crumpled to the floor.

“Maybe next time, don’t try to stab me, _twice_.” Tommy scowls.

The guy stays crumpled and he sighs, time to find Clementine and get that fucking tank.

The door beeps and Tommy resists screaming.

He turns around and sees _three_ more guys in masks. 

Oh for fucksake.

They all stare at each other.

“Quagmire? Is that you?” One of them asks.

Tommy’s about to answer, that _no_ , he isn’t fucking Quagmire, what kind of shitty name is that? But before he can, the guy on the ground groans in reply.

_Oh._

That’s Quagmire.

That’s a stupid name.

“That’s a stupid name,” He says aloud just so everyone else can hear his opinion too.

“Did you just kill Quagmire?” One of them accuses.

Tommy huffs, “No, he’s clearly alive you dick. _He_ tried to kill _me_.”

Clearly they don’t care about the circumstances because moments later they are in a full out battle; three against one. 

This may be just _slightly_ unfair in Tommy’s humble opinion.

But, he’s not the _talented_ and _athletic_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic_ vigilante for nothing.

He’s barely catching a sweat as they chase him around the store, throwing whatever they can find and then some. Aisles go down, windows are broken. The usual.

Tommy yelps as heat licks at his heels. One of the dudes can breathe _fire_ which to be honest is pretty Pogchamp.

“Guys, can’t we come to an agreement or something?” He huffs in annoyance. He just wanted a fucking _tank._

They don’t seem to be in the mood for conversation, just y’know throwing knives, breathing fire, trying to _shoot_ him.

It’s great, just how he wanted to spend his evening. 

“Okay time to break this up.”

Tommy stumbles and falls onto the linoleum tiles because holy _fuck_. That’s Philza.

Why the hell is Philza here?

This situation has gone from aggressively irritating to a fucking nightmare.

He’s going to die.

Oh god, _Clementine._

Tommy crouches under the frozen meat section to watch as Philza _and_ Willow _and_ The Blade stand at the entrance of the shop, staring down the robbers.

“What’s this all about hmm?” Philza hovers just above the ground like the fucking king he is, majestic wings flapping. This is the second best moment of his life. 

The robbers all start speaking at once.

“There’s this stupid fucking _kid_.”

“He hurt Quagmire!”

“I just wanted some free chocolate.”

Philza frowns, “A kid?” He glances around the store and Tommy ducks immediately. This is _not_ good.

“Yeah some stupid fucking tall brat with a stick!”

The _snitches._ Absolute _snakes._

How dare they call his baton a stick? He’ll shove that ‘stick’ right up their-

“ _Where is he_?” Willow steps forward, eyes hard.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit._

“He’s hiding in one of the aisles,” A robber immediately speaks up, unable to control it.

Oh god, this is how he dies. This is it.

He _still_ hasn’t told Tubbo about the skittles incident. 

Tommy starts to crawl down the aisle, very quietly and very careful only to come face to face with a large pair of black combat boots.

He sighs. 

Tommy glances upwards to see Willow staring down at him.

He quickly backs ups onto the palms of his hands.

“Listen,” He starts, dropping his voice to be intimidating, to be _scary_ . “I’m sorry I offended you the last time we met. I didn’t know that powers turning off was such a touchy subject, but, _hey_ it seems your powers are working just fine as we all just saw haha,” Tommy tries to soothe.

Willow glares down at him. “ _Get up.”_

Okay, let’s pause for just a sec. TommyInnit is a very powerful, very strong, very talented vigilante who fights based on physical abilities alone.

And this is why he knows he’s no match for the Willow, who probably beats up kids like him as a warm up.

So TommyInnit, the clever, genius with an IQ of over a thousand does a _Pro Gamer Move_ ™️.

He gets up. 

Willow grins, all teeth as he turns to Philza and Blade, “Fucking _see_ last time was a fluke.”

The Blade rolls his eyes, seemingly disappointed at the turn of events, “And here I was hoping I’d get to see you fail,” He drawls out. He’s _so_ cool.

Philza just smiles, “Good job Wil, now let’s take him to the headquarters.”

Willow nods, grinning sadistically as he looks back at Tommy.

“You’re going to _pay_ for getting away from us last time,” He promises. 

Tommy is so so scared but also very very hyped because oh my fucking god, the _Willow_ just threatened to torture him.

This is the best day ever.

Well, except for the fact that he’s getting taken to y’know be arrested or something. He’s not too sure what they do to vigilantes.

“ _Follow us_ ,” The Willow whispers and Tommy complies, feet moving.

As they walk down the aisle, Tommy sees Clementine, swimming at light speed around the mug. His _child_.

He glances over at Willow who is walking a little ways ahead, back turned. An amateur move on his part.

With smooth movements Tommy grabs the mug with one hand, the other hand holding the baton.

Willow does not notice and he almost breathes a sigh of relief.

When the four of them reach outside, Willow begins to talk, while Techno watches Tommy curiously and Phil flies ahead.

“You see, when you escaped us a week ago, I _knew_ it was a fluke. Because look at you, your mask looks fucking stupid and you’re wearing a hoodie that looks it has been run over, _thrice._ ”

Tommy resists frowning, but his eyebrow twitches. Now that is just _horrible_. He loves this hoodie; _yes_ , he may refuse to wash it for like a month, but that’s not the Willow’s business. 

“So I was l like, how would _you,_ some wannabe vigilante be able to defy _my_ powers.”

Tommy _really_ wants to roll his eyes, oh my fucking _god_. This guy’s ego is through the roof. 

They are further out on the street now, Tommy can see a path to take to get back home. 

“I mean, you know who I am right? I’m the Willow, I’m in the top ten heroes ranking, in fact, I’m _sixth_ place. I bet you couldn’t even apply to be a hero, your weapon is literally a _stick_ ,” Willow rants.

Tommy did not ask to be attacked. He just wanted a tank.

Tommy stops walking, no one notices. Philza is far ahead while The Blade seemingly became bored of the one-sided conversation.

“Like, you should be lucky to even meet us, this is probably like your biggest dream huh? Meeting us, three of the top ten heroes in the _world._ Did you know I am one of the youngest heroes to rise to the top so- _“_

“Okay, but, like, where are the askers? Who asked? I’m pretty sure nobody asked,” Tommy cuts Willow off, bracing his feet as he leaps off into the air.

He lands on a building and watches as the Willow stares up at him in disbelief. The Blade and Philza have also stopped to watch.

Tommy cups a hand over his mouth as he shouts over at the hero, “Hey Willow! Go find some askers!” He shoots him the middle finger for good measure.

And with that, he uses his baton as a booster to shoot him off into the sky, making his way home.

_Nobody_ , makes fun of TommyInnit.

  
  


_____

  
  


Tommy walks through his street in dejection. Clementine swims around the mug sadly. 

“ _Clementine,_ I’m sorry I couldn’t find you a beautiful aquarium.” He apologizes.

Clementine swims faster.

Tommy sighs melodramatically and begs the gods for a miracle.

He kicks absentmindedly at a plastic bottle, looking down at Clementine in sadness. She will never experience a full life, he’s failed as a father.

Tommy pauses, turning around to look back at the bottle as he notices something odd.

The bottle is fucking _massive._ It’s an old Sprite bottle, but it’s so _big_ it spans the length of his arm. That’s _long._

He glances back down at Clementine and then back at the bottle. 

He grins.

  
  


_____

  
  
  


“Tommy, what the fuck is this?” 

Tubbo looks at him blearily, presumably waking up from a nap he spent at his computer. There’s an indent of keys on his cheek.

Tommy smiles proudly as he holds the bottle out for his friend to see. It’s full of clean water and Clementine swims around happily, floating from end to end.

“ _This_ is _Clementine’s_ tank.”

Tubbo blinks slowly, he stares at the bottle with an expression void of emotion. He places his head back on the keyboard and closes his eyes.

Tommy grins down at Clementine, swimming happily in the Sprite bottle.

Mission accomplished.

  
  


_____

  
  


“Hey, hey, Wilbur, did he just, like, totally violate you, _again?_ ” Techno grins at his twin, twirling his blade happily around his fingers.

“Shut the fuck up,” Wilbur seethes.

Philza snorts despite himself, “I don’t think it’s your powers Wil, if that’s any consolation.”

“It’s _not,”_ Wilbur glares.

Techno’s grin widens, “No but seriously, I’m not the only one who saw the way that guy absolutely _destroyed_ Wilbur to no return. Hey, hey, Wilbur, where are the askers? I tried looking for them but, it’s like they don’t exist,” Techno taunts.

“ _Go find a bridge and jump off it.”_

“Wilbur!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys really blew up a crack fic huh?
> 
> i think we should start a cult
> 
> seriously thanks for so many comments and shit, liek wow thats a /lot/ of hits, and subscribers and bookmarks. pogchamp
> 
> check out my other fics too, i have another sbi fic with protective older brothers and i have a royalty fic where nearly every smp member is a royal lmao - okay thats enogh plugging
> 
> im sleep now <3
> 
> if u saw typo, no <3


	3. Hoes Mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad  
> Hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad  
> Hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad, hoes mad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys really like this fic huh? u weirdos 
> 
> as always i wrote this at like 12am lmao
> 
> anyways enjoy

  
  
  


“Give it to me,” Tubbo says, hand held out, face stern.

“No.” Tommy stands his ground.

“ _Give_ it. Now, or _else_.” 

Tommy looks nervously over to Clementine who is happily swimming in the bottle. He tries to telepathically communicate his distress but she just starts making bubbles in the water.

“Tommy, give me the gun.”

“I _need_ it.”

“Why the fuck do you need a gun?” Tubbo throws up his hands in exasperation.

“For… things,” Tommy explains.

“Uh huh, give me the gun. Not only are you a menace to _yourself,_ you are also a menace to society. You’re already a bloody vigilante. A gun will only make things worse.” Tubbo shudders.

“But I found it first. Finders keepers,” Tommy justifies, looping the gun handle around his finger.

“Finders keepers apply to things like -I don’t _know,_ food? Toys? Not fucking murder _weapons_.”

Tommy lifts his hand to placate the distraught teenager, “No, no you’ve got it all wrong. You see this gun can’t actually kill anyone.”

Tubbo stares at him, looks at the gun and then back at him, then he looks to Clementine. “You see this shit, dumb fish? That’s your so called ‘father’”

Tommy huffs, offended. “Stop calling _Clementine_ that! And also, I’m being serious.”

Tubbo twists up his face as if in agony, “Tommy it’s a fucking gun, of course it kills people,” He says it slowly.

Tommy grins, “See _that_ is where you are wrong my dear friend, this gun doesn’t even have bullets,” He explains, cocking the weapon.

“What the actual hell are you on about, what’s inside it then?” Tubbo decides to humour him.

Tommy’s smile widens, “I’ll show you.”

That is when Tubbo realises his mistake; eyes wide he goes to protest only to be shot right in the fucking leg with a pointy dart.

“You _dick!”_

_____

  
  


“Tubbo I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would hurt, like, that bad. It was - it was only a _dart_. I even shot myself with it.” Tommy tries to soothingly rub the elder’s back only to be shoved right off.

“Well _you_ aren’t even normal, you fucking freak of nature, who bloody shoots themselves?! “ Tubbo cries in outrage, looking up at Tommy as if he’s got issues or something.

Tommy has zero issues. In fact, Tommy is living his best life. 

He rolls his eyes, “Just cause you couldn’t handle a _little_ pain doesn’t mean you should take it out on me.”

“You _shot_ me!”

Jeez, this guy really holds onto the past huh?

“Tubbo, that was like ten minutes ago, you need to learn to let the past go; it’s not healthy,” Tommy advises softly.

Tubbo glares at him, “You have ten seconds to get the hell out of here and find a way to make it up to me.”

Tommy gulps, “Shit, okay. Listen, I am actually really sorry about shooting you, it just seemed like you were doubting my abilities as a glock wielder and to be honest I was quite offen-“

“One,” Tubbo starts to count off of his fingers.

Okay then. An apology isn’t good enough. He’s going to have to up his game.

“Okay, okay,” He puts his hand up in surrender, “I’m leaving, I’m gonna get you, like, the poggest apology present you’ve ever received.”

“Poggest isn’t even a word.”

“It is now.”

“Just get out, and take the fish with you - I don’t like it’s beady eyes staring at me,” Tubbo side eyes the fish who gapes at him.

“ _Clementine,”_ Tommy corrects, picking up the bottle. “And gladly, I don’t trust her in your company anyways, who knows what you would let her get up to.”

“She’s a fish,” Tubbo deadpans, “She can’t do anything but swim.”

Tommy sighs, shaking his head in disappointment at his friend’s incompetence, “That’s what you think.”

“That’s what _everybody_ thinks, it’s a _fish_. What the hell could it possibly do?” Tubbo looks at him incredulously.

“More than you can imagine,” He says, ominously.

“Get out.”

“Okay.”

  
  


_____

  
  


Tommy and Clementine prowl the sunny streets, on the search for redemption. If they come back home empty handed… it’s better not to think of what the tyrant in their household will do.

“ _Clementine,_ what should we get Tubbo?” He asks the fish, as he hops from building to building.

Clementine swims faster.

Tommy grimaces, “No fucking _way_. We are not going to a supermarket ever again. I have trauma.”

By trauma he means Willow violating his fashion choices.

Oh, and Quagmire.

Clementine slows down.

“No, no listen, it was - it wasn’t a _good_ idea, but it was an idea,” He softens, “Don’t feel bad.”

Clementine swims faster.

“ _Clementine,_ you know what I think? I think Tubbo is feeling neglected. That’s probably why he hates you so much y’know? He probably misses me. I am fucking awesome so I understand. But he’s got to learn to _share_. He should know better than to antagonize his little sister. He’s not being a good older brother to you, but don’t worry - we’re going to fix that.”

Clementine blows bubbles. 

“Yeah, exactly.”

Tommy pauses as a brightly coloured shop catches his attention. He slips his gun into his hoodie and tugs off his mask. He does _not_ need to be recognized in broad daylight.

He adjusts Clementine in his grip and climbs down a fire escape to the street pavements. 

_Fundy’s toy shop._

“ _Clementine,_ I think this might be what he needs. He needs a toy of his own, something he doesn’t have to share,” Tommy’s eyes light up, he’s a _genius_.

Sometimes it hurts his back, carrying the intelligence _and_ the humour of the entire kingdom. 

“Alright, _Clementine,_ it’s time to swindle.”

Tommy walks up to the door, bell chiming as he enters the brightly coloured shop.

There're so many different gadgets, legos, barbie dolls, _ken_ dolls, is that- is that a _Philza_ action figure?!

“ _Clementine,”_ He whispers reverently, bringing the bottle up to eyesight to stare into the fish’s beautiful and wonderful eyes. “This is epic.”

The fish gapes.

Here is a problem. Tommy only has enough money for one toy maximum. 

But _Philza._

Okay, okay, wait. Maybe, _maybe_ if he just gets Tubbo a really cheap toy.

“ _Clementine,_ what should I do?” He whispers to his daughter. 

She swims in a circle.

Tommy sighs, “You’re right,” He agrees, “Philza is more important than Tubbo’s forgiveness.”

Tommy picks up the Philza toy, expression of adoration as he stares at the blue eyes and green bucket hat. 

Now to find one for Tubbo…

Tommy spends a while looking around the store, which is mostly empty apart from like, one 4ft child who looks at him weirdly.

Eventually he finds the the most majestic and magnificent toy in the history of existence.

It’s an electronic monkey, whose arms are bent out of shape awkwardly. It’s crossed eyed and has patches of fur missing. When he presses its stomach, it lets out a screech.

“Tubbo will love this, “ He decides.

Tommy makes his way to the counter, putting Clementine upright on the side. 

A man with fox ears turns around from packing shelves to smile at him.

“Hello young man, and how can I help you?”

Tommy stares before pushing the toys towards him, “Buying this.”

The man frowns slightly before nodding, “Ah yes of course,” He scans the items, a sweat breaking out on his brow as Tommy continues to stare at him.

“Nice weather out today huh?”

Tommy nods, “Yes.”

The man nods twice, “Good, good,” He hums before the silence takes over as he puts the toys in a bag, “Right, that’ll be £15 pounds.”

Hmm. 

Tommy shoves a hand in his hoodie pocket, shuffling around the gun to find the money. He pulls out two £5 pound notes and three 50ps.

This should be enough.

He puts the money on the counter watching as the employee’s expression turns to confusion.

“Oh um, sorry young man, but, that’s not enough. You may have counted wrong?” The man smiles sympathetically.

“No, that’s all I have,” Tommy stares.

“Well - well, you’re going to have to put one back.”

“No.”

“No?”

“Yeah, no.”

The man laughs awkwardly, “I uh, I don’t think you understand how this works, you have to pay me the right amount or I can’t give you the toys.”

Tommy stares. He then glances over to Clementine.

She stares back at him.

He nods.

“Listen man, I’m a bit low on funds at the moment, but, like I promise to pay you back,” He promises.

The man frowns, “Yeah, sorry but that’s not gonna work. This is a respectable establishment, I can’t just give away toys for less than they’re worth.”

Tommy snorts, glancing down at the monkey, “So you’re telling me, mister… “ He reads the employee’s name tag. “Mister Fundy, listen here. You are telling me that this _monkey_ is worth £5? Look at it.”

Fundy looks down at the monkey, grimaces and then sets his face straight, “This isn’t going to work.”

“ _Listen_ ,” Tommy sighs, “I’m actually doing you a favour, the monkey is an abomination. It deserves to be put down and it’s _electronic_.” 

Fundy glares, placing his hands on his hips, “You’re not going to insult me into giving this away for free.”

“ _Please_ ,” He changes tactics, widening his eyes “I’m only a small child.” 

Fundy sceptically looks him up and down, taking in his height of 6’3.

Tommy clasps his hands in front of him, “Everyday I wake up and drink a bowl of milk hoping to one day grow bones that don’t break once a week. I have breaking bones disease. It is a terrible condition that only affects me. Ever since I was a child I dreamed of being like Philza, our lord and saviour. This action figure is the closest thing I’ll ever get to seeing him. The monkey is a symbolism of my broken bones. I need them both desperately. Who knows when my bones may break again? It could be any moment now.”

“Get out of my shop.”

This isn’t going well.

Tommy doesn’t want to stoop down to the level of criminals… but. He does promise to pay the man back when he gets more money.

“Ok,” He concedes, Fundy’s expression smoothing out. “I tried to play nice. Now I must be the antichrist.” He pulls out his mask, slipping it on.

Fundy lets out a shriek as Tommy pulls out his gun.

“Give me the toys,” He says, gun pointed straight at the man.

“Holy _fuck_ , what is _wrong_ with you?! Guns aren’t even legal here!” Fundy cries out.

Tommy shrugs, “Murder isn’t legal either, but I’ll still do it,” He threatens.

The things he does for Tubbo.

“Okay, okay please just take the toys and _leave.”_

Tommy grins behind the mask, grabbing the bag of toys and picking up Clementine.

TommyInnit strikes again.

He turns to leave the store only to come face to mask with Willow.

Tommy takes a moment to pray. 

“Heyyyyy’, fancy seeing you here. You’re looking good, kinda angry though. Try turning that frown upside down?” He suggests, slowly backing away from the door as Willow glares him down.

He notices the other two heroes are nowhere to be seen.

“This,” Willow starts, jabbing a finger at him menacingly. “Is the last time you escape me.”

“Help me! He just attempted to kill me!” Fundy screams behind them.

Tommy rolls his eyes. You pull up a gun _one time_ and suddenly you’re a murder. He lives in a society.

“He’s lying, obviously,” Tommy tells Willow. Willow who is staring at the gun in his hand. Shit.

“Really?” The hero asks disbelieving.

Tommy nods, “Yeah, listen, I think I’m just going to, _go_.”

Willow laughs, “Absolutely not. You will not ridicule me again.”

_Shit._

He glances down at Clementine.

“Can we reschedule? Cuz’ like I just bought these toys and to be honest, it’s just a bad time,” Tommy tries to negotiate.

“Yeah no,” Willow lunges for him and Tommy lets out a yelp, tripping backwards onto the tiles.

Clementine’s bottle rolls out of his grip. His _child._

Willow looms over him.

So this is how he dies. Huh.

And then, the most miraculous, beautiful, show stopping thing happens. 

Willow steps towards him, hands reaching out to grab and he _trips_. Over Clementine’s bottle.

Tommy gasps in amazement, looking at his daughter while Willow lets out a wheeze on the floor.

“You are a godsend,” He whispers to her before standing up quickly. 

As soon as Willow tries to get up, Tommy shoots him. No hesitation. Right in the chest.

Willow lets out a scream of agony. “ _Fuck!”_

Fundy sobs from behind the counter, “You _killed_ him.”

Tommy snorts, “No I didn’t. He’s fine.”

Willow heaves on the floor, letting out curses.

“See, breathing and everything,” Tommy shrugs, picking up Clementine and the bag of toys.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Fundy trying to escape the shop. Not on his watch.

He shoots the man in the leg. Fundy crumples to the floor in defeat, letting out a groan.

“It didn’t have to be like this,” Tommy sighs in disappointment.

He sees Willow shakily getting to his feet and points his gun at him. 

“Don’t you dare,” Tommy warns, cocking the gun. “I won’t hesitate, bitch.”

Willow’s eyes are full of rage, lowkey kinda scary but Tommy stands his ground. He’s TommyInnit.

When Willow takes a step forward, he shoots him again, right in the stomach.

The hero writhes on the floor in pain. _Honestly._ Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy steps over the bodies lying prone on the floor. He turns to Fundy, “I promise I’ll pay you back,” He tells the man who glares up at him.

Damn you can’t please some people.

He turns to Willow, “I hope our next encounter is more um, peaceful? Gun free? Less murderous?”

Willow shoots him the middle finger as he winces, clutching his stomach. 

Tommy turns around, taking off his mask and shoving the gun in his pocket as he exits the store. 

He looks down at Clementine, “Sometimes, _Clementine,_ hoes just be mad. You really can’t please some people, honestly, that reminds me of the time… “

Tommy recounts an old encounter with a Mexican drug dealer as they make their way home. 

  
  


_____

  
  


“Tommy,” Tubbo sighs, “What the hell is this?”

“ _This_ is _your_ monkey.” 

Tubbo looks at the deranged thing, arms twisted and balding in places, and he smiles. “Thank you.”

Tommy grins, “You’re welcome big man, now how about we watch the bee movie?” He suggests even though it terrifies him.

Tubbo grins, “ _Yes!_ I haven’t watched that since, like, last week.”

Tommy nods fondly, “Yes, yes, I know. Come on then, I’ll go get some snacks - I swear we have some gummies somewhere,” He says as he goes through their cupboards.

“I think so,” Tubbo agrees as he sits down on the couch. “I think I’m gonna name him _Fredderick_.”

“Huh?” Tommy asks distractedly.

“ _Fredderick_.”

“Fredderick?”

“Yeah, _Fredderick_.”

  
  


_____

  
  


Phil watched as Wilbur stumbles haggardly into the headquarters, clutching at his side. He whistles, “Jeez, what happened to you mate?”

Wilbur glares at him. “That fucking _bitch_ . I’m going to kill him, _murder_ him. It’s over the next time I even catch a glimpse of that ugly hoodie.”

The other heroes in the building look worriedly at him. 

“Wil, we’re _heroes_ ,” Phil sighs.

Wilbur shakes his head, “Not anymore, this is my fucking villain arc.”

Techno snorts from his placement on one of the couches. Phil thought he was sleeping.

“What’d he do this time to escape your evil clutches?”

Wilbur turns to twin in irritation, “He had a _gun._ A _dart_ gun.”

Techno barks out a laugh, eyes twinkling in amusement. “He beat you with a _dart_ gun? Oh Wilbur, how you have fallen from grace,” He grins, “This is an all time low for you huh?”

“Do me a favour, and _jump out the window.”_

“Wilbur! We’re on the 20th floor!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typos? no <3 (pls tell me)
> 
> tubbo: what is that?  
> tommy: a gun!  
> tubbo: no!
> 
> how do you like the fundy bullying? i love him
> 
> lowkey, i think we should all get married cuz i love you guys a lot. lets all just flirt in the comments <3  
> uh anyways, im gonna make a discord - but what should the name be? so far, the name i got is - CLEMENTINE THIS IS /YOUR/ HOUSE  
> i think its nice :) ill probably upload a temporary chapter with the discord link. also if u guys wanna follow me on twitter my handle is @bigbrainsimp (pls dont ask)  
> also also, aside from adoring all the comments, i love some of the things u guys say in the bookmarks asjdjd they make me cackle  
> the support for this fic is insane, im honestly still a bit shocked
> 
> now this bit is about me so u can skip :)  
> um anyways, so like life right? ive started back school online (i took a week off) and im already struggling lmao. today was really hard for me. it took ages to get out of bed and i felt really lethargic? also my eating has been terrible :( for some reason the thought of eating makes me feel nauseous and i can't stomach more than a small amount of anything. so i may not update as regularly <3
> 
> bye for now, i love you guys so much. cult pog. :)


	4. I Just Spoke To TommyInnit He Said Give Me A Goddamn Minute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sawawasenai kimi wa shoujo na no boku wa yarichin bitchi no osu daiyou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its curretly 3am pls  
> this chap is a mess  
> i will never understand u guys
> 
> also theres like drug stuff but not really

Tommy averts his eyes as the television on the wall blares the current news.

He rests his chin on his palm, locking eyes with Clementine. She’s swimming around pretty slowly.

“Shhh _Clementine_ please. You’re going to give us away.”

The barista, Bad, stares at him in confusion as he hands him a blueberry muffin, “Tommy? Is this your friend?” He questions staring at the Sprite bottle.

“Daughter,” He corrects automatically as takes a chunk out of the muffin, “Her name is _Clementine_ and we are soulmates.”

Bad nods with a smile, “Right, of course.”

Tommy nods, humming loudly as the news reporter discusses a recent robbery.

“According to the toy shop owner, he was threatened and shot by a tall man child. Sixth ranking hero, the Willow was also at the crime scene but failed to capture the criminal, stating he was armed with a ‘dart’ gun.”

Tommy whistles, narrowing his eyes at Clementine when she pauses to stare at him. “You need to learn the art of subtlety _Clementine._ ”

Bad frowns at the television, “Isn’t that just terrible? Why would anyone rob a _toy_ shop owner of all things?”

Tommy shrugs, “No idea, honestly, some people just want to see the world suffer.”

Bad furrows his brows, “I’m just trying to understand why the criminal chose a _toy_ shop, isn’t that just a new level of low?”

The teenager bristles, “Y’know, I’m sure they had their reasons. Maybe they were trying to escape certain death from an intimidating roommate who might have defenestrated them for the second time that week?”

Bad stares.

Tommy shrugs, “You never know.”

Bad gives him another muffin, “Right, of course. How’s Tubbo?”

Tommy sighs, “Angry, as usual. Apparently you shouldn’t try to feed fish Coco Pops?”

Bad looks worriedly at Clementine, “You’ve been feeding her Coco Pops?”

Tommy nods, nonplussed, “Yeah, she likes them.”

Bad looks at him in horror before glancing back at the fish, “How is she alive?”

Tommy scrunches up his nose, “What do you mean how is she alive? Look at her, she’s fine. She’s thriving in fact.”

Clementine turns upside down in the bottle, floating in the water, frozen.

Bad lets out a cry, hand clasped over his mouth, “She’s _dead.”_

Tommy frowns, looking at his daughter before snorting, “No she’s not, _Clementine,_ stop it.”

Clementine turns back around and starts swimming.

Bad stares.

Tommy nods, “See? She’s cool.”

Bad stares some more before clearing his throat, “Right. Well, I’ve got some, uh _different_ fish food which might work better. I’ll just go get that.”

Tommy shrugs, “I think her diet of Coco Pops is fine, but we’re running out so yeah I don’t mind giving her some variety.” 

Bad nods, looking stressed. Jeez, running a cafe must be taking its strain on him huh? 

“You ever considered therapy Bad?”

“What?” Bad asks, bewildered.

“Therapy,” Tommy says slowly, “You ever considered it? You look stressed.”

Bad laughs, albeit a bit awkwardly, “No, no I’m not stressed, just uh, surprised is all. About your fish.”

Tommy frowns in confusion, “There’s nothing wrong with _Clementine._ ”

Bad nods fervently, “Right, right. Uh huh, yeah, of course.” 

Tommy narrows his eyes, “Are you questioning my parenting skills Bad?”

The man holds up his hands in surrender, “No, no. Of course not. I trust your, um, parenting methods.”

Tommy keeps his eyes narrowed, scrutinizing the man before he nods in satisfaction. “Good, I’d hate to have to take my daughter and I’s company to another cafe.”

Bad nods, swearing a bit. “Uh huh, I’m glad. I’m just going to get that fish food now.”

As Bad scampers off into the back room, Tommy turns to Clementine. 

“Yes, yeah I know, he’s a bit weird, but, _but_ \- can you listen please? Thank you, listen, I know he’s a bit weird but he makes good muffins, for _free_.” He explains to the fish who swims around slowly.

Tommy rolls his eyes, “He’s not suspicious of _you_ . He just probably is just, like, scared, of your presence. Your magnificence. _Clementine,_ please.”

  
  


_____

  
  
  


Tommy adjusts his mask as he stalks along the edge of the Kingdom. He clutches Clementine in his grip, a bag of Coco Pops in the other.

“Alright, this is your first patrol _Clementine,_ so you have to listen to everything I say.”

Clementine stares up at him.

“ _Yes,_ everything I say, did I stutter?” Tommy sighs as he perches himself on a tree branch.

He undoes the bag of Coco Pops, grabbing a handful before he twists the cap of Clementine’s bottle, sprinkling the cereal in the water. 

“Tonight should be quiet,” Tommy says as he overlooks the Kingdom, eyes stalking the empty streets.

“Are you done talking to the fish?” Tubbo’s voice crackles through the speaker. 

Tommy scowls, “ _Clementine.”_ He corrects.

“I don’t care, just - just stick to the mission.”

Tommy rolls his eyes, “What was the mission again?” He asks, picking at his ear in boredom.

There’s a frustrated noise on the other end of the earpiece. Tommy looks to Clementine and shrugs at the dramatics.

“Drugs, Tommy, _drugs.”_

“Oh yeah!” Tommy claps his hands together, “The drugs.” He recalls as he grabs another handful of Coco Pops.

“Please try to remember why you are out here - hey, _hey_ are you _eating?_ On patrol?!”

Tommy pauses halfway through his next mouthful, cereal crunching as he tries to awkwardly talk around it. “No.”

“You’re lying to me. I can _hear_ you.”

“Can you?” Tommy mumbles, slyly turning down the volume on the earpiece. “I don’t think so, the wind is a bit crispy tonight. That’s probably what you’re hearing. Easy mistake.”

“Tommy stop eating and act like a vigilante.”

Tommy frowns, offended, “I don’t need to _act,_ I am-“

He pauses at the sound of shuffling from below. He glances to Clementine and then looks down. 

“Suspicious sounds,” He whispers to Tubbo.

“Su-suspicious sounds? Like what? Is it possible that you can actually explain things with _detail?_ ”

Tommy scratches his chin, “Sounded like uh, uhhhh,” He looks to Clementine for help, who blows a bubble, “Yeah, it sounded like crunchy grass.”

“Okay? Whatever, just, just go investigate it. _Carefully.”_

“Sure big man,” Tommy agrees, already slipping down the tree, Clementine in hand. 

“I’m turning you off now,” He whispers, clicking the earpiece off and interrupting the other boy’s protests.

He hides behind a tree and watches as two men speak quietly in the cover of darkness. 

Tommy narrows his eyes. 

...Is that?

He resists facepalming. He should’ve fucking known. If there was anyone, it would be…

“Eyyyy’ man you want some drugs?”

Big Q aka Quackity.

Tommy watches as the other guy shuffles awkwardly, pulling out a few notes and trying to slyly slide the money to the drug dealer. 

He turns to Clementine to sigh quietly, “Never do drugs my child,” Then he reconsiders, “Actually, do drugs, but don’t buy them from _him.”_

It’s best to just get this over with.

Tommy steps out from behind the cover of the tree and clears his throat loudly. Both men let out a yelp of surprise, turning to look at him in unison.

Quackity looks surprised for a moment before grinning, “Eyyyyy man, it’s my boy TommyInnit. What’s good?”

Tommy sets Clementine down on the grass. “Not much to be honest, just, y’know, stopping a drug deal.”

Quackity laughs, “Woah that’s great man, you’re popping off. Who you stopping?”

Tommy reaches behind him and pulls out his dart gun, “You.”

Quackity frowns before laughing, “Nah man, this - this ain’t a drug deal? What are you blind? I’m giving this guy therapy.”

Tommy lowers the gun slightly, “Therapy?”

“Yeah dude,” Quackity explains, “This guy is traumatised, went through some deep emotional shit.”

“Oh fuck, seriously?” Tommy scratches his head awkwardly. 

“Yeah, sucks balls dude. This guy, like - _hah_ \- he, like, tried robbing a store and got scoliosis.”

“What the fuck?” Tommy raises an eyebrow, “Isn’t scoliosis like, like, a medical condition?”

Quackity shrugs with a grin, “I dunno man, I’m just the therapist. Apparently he got like, a stick to the back? And it like, totally fucking, rearranged his spine.”

That sounds kinda familiar… 

Tommy glances at the other guy for the first time, squinting to get a better look. Black mask… 

“Quagmire?!”

The guy grunts. “Yeah, it’s me. You fucked up my spine you dickhead.”

Now that he looks at him properly, the robber’s back is curved, but like, inwards.

Tommy winces before realizing, “Didn’t you try to kill me?! You’re a fucking piece of shit dude, I like, told you about my fish and the fucking tank and you threw a knife at me!”

Quackity frowns, “Hey man, that ain’t cool, why would you try to kill a fish parent?”

Quagmire huffs, “I was trying to rob a fucking store! Who do you think I am? Jesus Christ?”

Tommy shrugs, “I mean. We’ve never seen your face so,”

Quackity nods, “Yeah that’s true, you could like, totally be Jesus Christ dude. Which is like so much worse, because you tried to _kill_ someone.”

“I’m not _Jesus Christ!_ ” Quagmire shouts.

Tommy and Quackity raise their hands in surrender. “Jeez, calm down big man. It was just an assumption, easy to make.” Tommy soothes.

Quagmire gestures his hands around in frustration, “What the hell is wrong with you guys?! You,” He points at Tommy, “Are a bloody _vigilante_ , you’re already illegal and on top of that you brought your fucking fish with you! Why the hell is it in a Sprite bottle?!”

Oh my _god_ , this guy needs to take a chill pill. He’s acting like this is his first rodeo or some shit. 

“And _you_ ,” Quagmire points to Quackity, “Aren’t a _therapist_ , you’re a drug dealer!”

“You lied to me?” Tommy questions, betrayed.

Quackity laughs nervously, “No, listen Tommy. I didn’t _lie._ I _am_ a therapist and I treat my patients with uh, happy powder.”

Tommy sighs, head in hands. “I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

He takes his gun back up and shoots Quackity in the leg, the man going down with a cry before passing out. Honestly, the darts aren’t even that strong.

Tommy turns to Quagmire, who lets out a shriek. 

“Just let me go! You’ve already ruined my spine.”

Tommy shoots him too and he crumples to the floor.

He turns to his daughter, “No mercy, _Clementine,_ no mercy for them.” 

Clementine does a flip in the water.

There’s more shuffling and Tommy jumps, turning around with his gun pointed. 

Pointed at the _Blade_.

Oh shit.

“Oh wow,” He says, lowkey freaking out, highkey having the best moment of his life.

“Hey,” The Blade says casually, twirling his sword around his fingers.

This is the best moment _ever_ . He’s so cool, he’s so _cool._ Oh god, oh god, Tommy is going to hyperventilate.

Tommy inhales shakily, breathing heavily before clearing his throat, “Hello,” He says, voice dropped at least three octaves.

The Blade gestures to the men on the floor, “You do this?”

Tommy nods jerkily, “Uh, yea- _yeah_ ,” His choice cracks. Shit. “They were uh, drugging.”

The Blade raises an eyebrow, amused. “‘Drugging?’” 

He nods again, brain to mouth filter non existent, “Yes, _drugging_. Doing the drug… things.”

The Blade hums, looking Tommy up and down. “What’s your name?”

Oh god, oh _god._ The _Blade_ wants to know _his_ name. This is epic. This is poggers. He looks down at Clementine in excitement, she swims fast in the water.

“I’m, uh,” He stutters, “TommyInnit. The vigilante.”

“Vigilante huh?” The Blade questions, mouth tugging into a half-smile.

Wait. Tommy’s a _vigilante._ Why the fuck is he conversing with the very person who is meant to _capture_ him?

His mind bursts into flames of panic. Alarms bells ringing. Thoughts overlapping of _Oh fuck, oh jesus, you may die, oh jesus, oh fuck, oh shit, I’m hungry, oh shit, fuck, shit, oh god._

He should shoot him. He needs to shoot the Blade. 

Tommy’s hands shake. He can’t shoot the _Blade_. That’s like definitely illegal or something, it probably goes against the rules of everything, everywhere. 

The Blade watches his internal panic, seemingly entertained. “Don’t worry, I’m not here for catchin’, I was just interested is all.” 

Tommy is still very worried. 

“I for some reason, don’t believe you,” Tommy starts, “I like, you know that - that I shot your brother right?”

Why is he doing this to himself? Tommy isn’t a masochist. Why is he self-sabotaging?

Then the Blade _laughs,_ it’s more of a bark of laughter - sudden and loud, “Oh I know, that helps me sleep peacefully at night.”

Tommy is very confused. “You… like me shooting your brother?”

The Blade nods, grinning. It’s a very scary grin. “Of course. Feel free to continue shooting him in fact. Actually y’know what? What kind of guns you like? I’ll get you one, on the house.”

Tommy’s mind is in shambles. 

The Blade, the _Blade_ wants to fucking, gift him guns?

What timeline is this?

“Uh, right. Can you just, hold that thought for a fucking moment,” Tommy laughs, bordering on the edge of insanity, probably.

He needs a goddamn minute.

He turns to Clementine who is already staring at him. “ _Clementine,_ what the fuck is this? Did you do this? Have we entered an alternate fucking dimension?” He accuses the fish who just gapes at him.

“Unbelievable. I’m blaming you. This- _this_ is some weird shit. He’s offering to buy me _guns_. Tubbo’s right, I can’t have real guns. It would like, completely put the world out of balance or some shit.”

Clementine swims slowly.

“You know what? Okay, you’re - you’re right. Okay, okay.” He nods to his daughter before turning back to the Blade.

The Blade is staring at him in fascination. Tommy shuffles awkwardly on the spot.

“Sorry about that,” Tommy coughs, “I uh, yes, I will continue to shoot the Willow, if you’d like?”

He’s not really sure how to go about this.

The Blade huffs a laughter, “Sure kid.”

Tommy bristles, “I’m actually, like, not a fucking child. I’m a big man. Probably older than you actually.”

The Blade raises an eyebrow in disbelief, but otherwise shrugs, “Whatever you say child.”

Now he’s just _trying_ to annoy him.

Tommy does not _pout_ . “Not a _child_.”

“Okay child.”

Fuck shooting the Willow. Tommy’s about to shoot this guy, no hesitation. He raises his gun higher in warning.

The Blade just smirks, “You think that’s going to work?”

Tommy shrugs, “Let's find out.” 

He shoots him.

The hero barely startles. Tommy hates that he is impressed and kinda fanboying at how _cool_ he is.

The Blade grimaces at the dart stuck in his arm before pulling it out, “What the hell is in these?”

Tommy shrugs again. He has no idea. 

“Well, as fun as this has been. Shootin’ and all. I’m gonna take these _criminals_ off your hands,” The Blade sighs, leaning down to chuck Quackity over his shoulder.

Tommy tries not to deflate in disappointment. “Yeah that’s cool, thanks for not like, arresting me or something. See you around Blade.”

As the Blade picks up Quagmire, he turns to the teenager, smiling small. “Techno.”

“Huh?” Tommy frowns.

“Call me Techno.”

And with that, the hero disappears into the darkness.

Tommy stands still, frozen. 

“ _Clementine,”_ He whispers reverently, “ _Clementine,_ we just - we just got the _Blade_ ’s name?”

He just got the Blade’s _name._

_____

  
  


“Tommy fucking Innit! I _told_ you not to turn the earpiece off! Why don’t you ever listen to me, I _swear_ . What’s the point in me even making the bloody tech?! You’re sleeping on the couch. I hope you freeze. _Honestly._ You don’t deserve cuddles, or - or - is that? Is that Coco Pops in Clementine’s water?! I told you not to feed her that shit! I swear, _Fredderick_ is a better listener than you!... “

Tommy tunes out, a dopey grin on his face as Tubbo seethes.

He got the Blade’s fucking name. _And_ he has permission to shoot Willow. _And_ he’s getting guns, for _free._

No one is doing it like TommyInnit, the _courageous_ and _talented_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic_ vigilante.

  
  


_____

  
  
  


Wilbur stares at Techno, eyes narrowed. “Why are you smiling like that?”

Techno flops down onto the couch next to his brother to smirk at him, “I have no idea what you are talking about, dear brother.”

Phil watches the scene with increasing worry. He just replaced the windows.

“What did you do?” Wilbur questions, lips in a scowl.

Techno shrugs, “Nothing much, arrested a drug dealer, bought dinner, talked with your arch nemesis,” The man lists off his fingers.

Wilbur’s eyes widen before they settle into a glare, “You talked to that demon?!”

Techno grins, “It was a pleasure really, to talk with the person who has caused you so much suffering.”

Wilbur grits his teeth, “Why didn’t you _arrest_ him?!”

Techno shrugs, “Because, it’s fun.”

“Fun?!” Wilbur screeches incredulously. The hero turns to Phil, eyes scorching with rage. “Phil, did you just hear this dickhead?”

Phil sweats. “Mmm.” 

“For _fun?”_ Wilbur repeats, fists clenching. “I’ll show you _fun. Do a flip off the building.”_

Phil sighs.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typo??? i dont think so (pls tell)
> 
> eyyyyyyyyy man im tired  
> u guys are crazy theres like 100 somethign comments last chapter, i really wanted to answer them but theres so many jesus, thank you so much for the support, especially the well wishes and advice, u guys are so nice <33333 i love the amount of flirting comments too lmao they make me laugh. maybe we should all kiss,,, jk haha.... unlesss???? *bites lip*
> 
> someone asked what tommy looks like for this fic, and tbh i have no idea let ur imagination run free. HOWEVER @banikon on twitter did some amazing fanart for tubbo and tommy's designs plus some scenes from chap 3 so u should def check them out. (idk how to like embed fanart in the fic yet lmao)
> 
> uh anyways i made discord thingy it expires in a days so if u missed it, just comment below and i can send the link to u
> 
> https://discord.gg/rMQv7RPK
> 
> i honetslly have no idea how to run a discrod so this shold be fun :D
> 
> i promise im gonna update boy in the bubble next, its just a big chapter and uhhh u guys really wanted more of this one
> 
> also also dont forget to add my twitter @bigbrainsimp  
> i may post like update times and little spoilers there plus u can send fanart :)
> 
> i think thats everything honestly idk im tired lmao  
> <33333333


	5. Glock Wielder Supreme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dududududududuududdudduududdudududu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup new chapter  
> u weirdos probably missed me 
> 
> enjoy this stuff
> 
> also TW: there is dart shooting this chapter. it starts at “Tommy kicks open the door” and ends at the end of the scene
> 
> ok pog

  
  


Tommy stares in disbelief.

How could this have happened? Where did he go wrong? What could he have done to deserve this betrayal?

He glances down at Clementine in his hands. She does a flip in the water.

“ _Clementine,_ ” He hisses, “This is a serious problem, don’t laugh.”

She stares up at him and Tommy glares.

She’s becoming rebellious these days.

But there are bigger problems on Tommy’s mind.

There is an imposter in his house. An _intruder._ An abomination.

“Are you okay dude? Want some water?”

How _dare_ this satan spawn offer him water in _his_ own home?

This is blasphemy. 

Tommy looks at Tubbo, eyes narrowed. “Who the fuck is this?”

Tubbo scowls at him from his placement at the desk, idly twisting on the spinny chair. “I already told you, like, three times already. The answer is still the same. This is Ranboo and I’m teaching him how to develop tech.”

Tommy sniffs in disdain, “Okay _Ranboob_.”

The tall slenderman looking fuck just smiles awkwardly, “It’s pronounced Ranboo, actually.”

Tommy grits his teeth, “That’s what I said, _Ranboob.”_

“Okay, uh, I’m kinda, um, starting to think you don’t like me? Which is fine, honestly,” The awkward bitch puts his hands up in surrender. “I won’t be here for long, just you know, trying to learn from Tubbo and I’ll be out of your hair dude, sorry. Uh, also I like your fish?”

Tommy clutches Clementine close to him, “Her name is _Clementine,_ but you’re not going to address her or even look in her direction you heathen.”

Tubbo sighs in exasperation, shooting the beanstalk an apologetic look, “I’m so sorry about him, just like, ignore his presence. I do it all the time and I live with him. He’ll eventually get bored and go commit crimes or something.”

Tommy huffs, offended, “I see you have replaced me huh? Was I not fucking good enough? Did I not slave away in the kitchen this morning to make you breakfast?”

Tubbo raises a brow, “It was cereal. And you put the milk first.”

The intruder has the audacity to scrunch his nose up in disgust, “Who puts the milk first?”

Tubbo shakes his head in disappointment, “I know right? He manages to disgust me more and more everyday.”

Tommy glares, seething, “Is this bully TommyInnit day or some shit. I don’t even know who the fuck you _are!_ You tall fucking slenderman looking bitch boy! I bet you don’t even eat cereal, you probably eat cat shit. Is this who you are replacing me with Big T? Some walmart slenderman who can’t decide on a hair colour?”

Tubbo just stares at him, eyes despaired as if looking into the void of hell. He stares some more before turning to the bitch boy. “Yeah, so as I was saying, just ignore him and eventually he’ll get tired.”

The slenderman nods unsurely, eyes glancing between the two roommates. “Right, okay, that’s cool - that’s, that’s cool.”

Tommy lets out a shout of frustration, “Fuck you, fuck you Tubbo. I won’t forget this you traitor, betrayer, replacer. You’ll regret this. You’ll - you’ll fucking regret this day.”

Tubbo nods, “Right, that’s great Toms,” He says absentmindedly, before turning back to his monitor, “So Ranboo, if you look here, this is one of the first prototypes I’ve made, obviously it’s quite basic, but it’s good for beginners…”

Tommy watches in disbelief as they begin a conversation _without_ him. 

He looks down at Clementine. “This is unacceptable,” He tells her.

  
  


_____

  
  


Stalking the Blade may not have been Tommy’s brightest idea, but it is one of his best.

He and Clementine prowl in the darkness, following the hero through his patrol. 

It’s a pretty pogchamp experience, Tommy can’t lie. He gets to watch first hand as the Blade stabs his enemies and swiftly arrests criminals like a badass motherfucker.

He tilts Clementine’s bottle so she can get a better look, “ _Clementine_ take notes, this will be you one day my child, a sword wielding legend.”

Clementine blows a bubble at him.

The Blade is fighting some robber. It’s a pretty one sided fight to be honest, because the moment the hero grazes the criminal with his sword, the guy is paralyzed on the floor.

They watch as the hero lets out a sigh, cracking his neck to the side before slugging the robber over his shoulder effortlessly.

Tommy may be a little awestruck. But it’s only natural.

“Are you just goin’ ta’ follow me around?” 

Tommy startles violently, almost dropping his daughter. 

“Uhhhhh,” He replies eloquently, before coming out of his hiding space. “Hello, the Blade,” He greets.

The Blade raises an eyebrow at him, an amused lilt to his mouth. “Thought I gave you my name?”

“Ah! Oh yes,” Tommy laughs awkwardly, “Yes, um, Techno… Blade.”

The hero snorts, “Technoblade?”

Tommy nods after a moment, “Technoblade.”

“Alright then, Tommy, why have you been followin’ me?” Technoblade asks, causally adjusting his grip on the paralyzed criminal.

Tommy shifts on his feet, “Well you see, funny thing that, so like you know, how uh, like, maybe last week? You remember, like, early last week with the drug dealer and stuff? When you kinda said that you’d get some,” He coughs, “ _Guns.”_

Technoblade smirks, “You’re lookin’ for some violence huh?”

Tommy doesn’t know if he should nod; this guy is technically meant to be an advocate for peace and justice and stuff.

“You could say that,” Tommy settles for.

The hero hums in approval. “That’s cool, I can hook you up. You’re gonna have to go to the headquarters though.”

Hold the _fuck_ up.

“I have to _what?_ ”

Clementine swims at super speed in the bottle. 

“You heard me dude,” Technoblade shrugs, idly flicking his hair. “You gotta come with me, I left the guns there.”

“Can’t - can’t you just, I don’t know, bring the guns to _me_?” Tommy absolutely cannot under no circumstances, go to the hero headquarters.

Technoblade smirks at him, “But that’s no fun. Also I’m lazy. Take it or leave it.”

“Okay, give me a fucking moment jeez,” Tommy huffs, turning his back to the hero so that he can converse with Clementine.

“ _Clementine_ this is fucking insane right? I can’t just, go into the fucking building dressed like this! I’m going to be arrested on site.”

Clementine swims slowly.

“ _No_. No way.”

She stills and stares at him. 

“ _Clementine_ I’m not taking off my mask, in front of the _Blade_. Did I drop you on your head as a baby?”

Clementine gapes at him.

“Oh god,” Tommy sighs, “You’re _insane._ ”

She does a twirl.

“Fine. _Fine._ But if I fucking die, I have left nothing in my will for you. Nothing.”

Tommy inhales deeply before turning back around to Technoblade. Who is staring at him in amusement? 

“I will accompany you, to the uh, _hero headquarters,”_ Tommy agrees before tacking on, “A very dangerous place for a _wanted_ vigilante.”

Technoblade snorts, “Wilbur is the only one that wants you.”

Tommy furrows his brows. “Wilbur?”

Technoblade waves him off, “Don’t worry about it.”

Tommy narrows his eyes, “Um, okay then. So uh, here’s the thing. They’re like, obviously gonna figure me out the moment I enter.”

“Take off your mask then,” Technoblade shrugs.

“That’s what _Clementine_ said too. But no offence, I don’t really trust you,” Tommy says, full offence.

Technoblade shrugs, “If I was gonna turn you in, I would have by now. You’re harmless.”

Tommy lets out a noise of deep indignation. “I’m fucking TommyInnit. I’m one of the best vigilantes to grace this kingdom. I am _athletic_ and _talented_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic._ I am _far_ from harmless.”

Technoblade looks him up and down, “Right of course, how could I be mistaken?”

Tommy frowns, “I think you’re being sarcastic.”

“Am I?” The hero hums.

Tommy huffs, “Okay fine, I’m gonna take off my mask. _But_ if you tell anyone my identity, I will like, shoot you multiple times or something.”

“I thought we established that the darts don’t work on me,” Technoblade smirks.

“It won’t be a dart,” Tommy promises.

Technoblade chuckles, “Alright kid, just take off your mask so we can get goin’ I ain’t got all day.”

It’s now or never. If he dies, Tommy’s blaming Clementine.

Tommy slowly, _slowly,_ reaches up a hand to his face to grip the mask. This is it. This is the moment. 

The moment he reveals his true identity to a hero he has looked up to for his entire-

“Hurry it up dude, stop tryin’ ta’ be dramatic.”

Tommy scowls. He moves his fingers extra slowly just to be annoying.

“You may need to brace yourself, because I’m actually quite beautiful and have been known to be blind people with my outstanding features and muscular bone structure-“

“I’ll leave you,” Technoblade threatens. “I’ll just leave you behind and you can forget your guns.”

“Ok fine jeez,” Tommy pouts, yanking the mask off.

The cold air turns his cheek pink. Definitely not because he is very nervous and potentially might die because he just revealed his face to one of the top ten heroes.

Technoblade’s eyes widen - not a lot, barely noticeable. But Tommy sees it. 

“Are you _twelve?_ ”

Tommy squawks in offence, “What the fuck! How bloody dare you. I’ll have you know I am eighteen years old.”

Technoblade looks concerned. That’s not good. “No, seriously. Are you twelve. Because I can’t give guns to a twelve year old. That’s just bad rep.”

“I’m eighteen.”

“Uh huh, yeah I believe you,” Technoblade nods, “Now tell me the truth.”

Tommy grumbles something under his breath before speaking up, “I’m sixteen,” He confesses.

“Jesus, Wil is actually trying to kill a child,” The hero mutters.

“I’m not a fucking child!” Tommy screeches. “Wait, are you talking about Wil as in the Willow? He wants to _kill_ me?! What did I do?”

Technoblade shrugs, “I dunno, he kinda hates you a lot. Wants to murder you and that.”

“Don’t talk about my murder so casually!”

“Eh,” Technoblade shrugs again, “I don’t think he’ll kill you when he sees your face.”

Tommy freezes, “Oh no, no, no. Willow is not knowing my identity. You will refer to me as, um, Tomathy.”

Technoblade snorts, “Tomathy?”

“Tomathy.”

“Alright, _Tomathy._ And what about the hoodie you’re wearin’?” 

Tommy glances down at himself. “What about it?”

“Willow’s gonna notice that your wearin’ the same ugly hoodie as the guy he’s tryna’ kill,” The hero warns.

“Hmmm,” Tommy hums, “Gimme your cloak.”

“What.”

“Your cloak. Give it.”

“I don’t think so, child.”

“Come on, Blade, it’s the only way. I’m not wearing a t-shirt under this.”

Technoblade looks at him in disgust and then down at his cloak. “If you make it snotty I’ll kill you myself.”

“I’m sixteen, not fucking five. I won’t get your cloak dirty big man, just hand it over.”

Technoblade reluctantly takes the thing off and gingerly hands it over to the boy. 

“Thanks,” Tommy says, pulling the thing over him and tugging his hood down underneath it. “Now, here’s the cover story-“

“Cover story?”

“Yeah, cover story. We gotta make this believable. So I’m Tomathy, an orphan and you decided to show me your awesome hero stuff because you saw how amazing and badass I was.”

“But I hate orphans.”

Tommy shrugs, “You’re turning a new leaf.”

“Dude, you’re bein’ so dramatic. There’s probably gonna be like no heroes in the buildin’, it’s like prime patrol time.”

“So no cover story?”

“No cover story.”

_____

  
  


“So this is an orphan I picked up on the street, I’m showin’ him my awesome hero stuff cause’ I feel pity for him,” Technoblade explains to the Smiling hero Dream.

Tommy watches as the top ranking hero looks between them sceptically. Or well, he can’t really tell due to the hero’s large porcelain mask. 

“Ayup,” Tommy greets, “I’m Tomathy.”

“Right, well, _Blade,_ I think you know the rules,” Dream scratches his neck, “Not really meant to bring random kids from off the street into the headquarters of the most powerful heroes.”

“It’s alright Dream, this guy is with me,” Technoblade rests a hand upon Tommy’s head. “Tomathy is cool. I’m thinkin’ of takin’ him as my sidekick.”

“Uh huh, and what are his abilities?”

Tommy smirks, “I have guns.”

Technoblade coughs, “He means he has strength enhancement. Guns as in really good biceps.” 

Tommy lifts his noodle arm and tenses it, “See, look at that.”

Dream sighs, “Right, y’know what? Philza can deal with this. Just keep the child on a leash or something.”

Technoblade pats Tommy’s head again, roughly. “Don’t worry about him. No need to inform Philza about this. Thanks Dream.”

“Uh huh,” Dream says unsurely before glancing down at Tommy’s hands. “What is that?”

“ _Clementine.”_

Dream pauses, “Clementine?”

“Yeah, _Clementine._ My daughter.”

“Right, okay. Well I’m going on patrol. I’ll see you guys later, hopefully just you Blade.”

Technoblade waves Dream off as the other man departs.

Tommy grins at the hero, “That went well I think. Where are the guns?”

Technoblade looks at him in barely concealed exasperation. “Your self preservation skills are severely lacking.”

“That’s what Tubbo says,” Tommy replies.

_____

  
  


Tommy gapes at the assortment of _weapons._ There are so _many._

He grasps Technoblade’s arm in excitement, “Big man, _big man_ , this is so poggers oh my god.”

Technoblade shrugs him off, “Yeah dude, it’s my lair, of weapons.”

“Do you know how fucking poggers this is?”

“I don’t like the way you use that word.”

“ _Poggers.”_

“Please stop.”

“Can I choose any gun I want? What about a sword? Can I have a sword? Oh my god, I think I need that sword,” Tommy rambles as he walks towards a blood red handled sword.

“Actually, you can’t -“

Tommy picks it up, setting Clementine on the ground so that he can swing the blade around.

This is the best day of his life. He is using one of the _Blade’s_ swords. No one is doing it like him. 

“Oh my god, I’m so fucking epic right now. Are you seeing this Technoblade? Are you witnessing me at full pog?” Tommy turns to the hero in question.

The hero is staring at him in confusion.

Tommy pauses, “What?”

Technoblade shakes his head. “What is your ability by the way?”

Tommy shrugs nonchalantly, “Don’t have one.”

Technoblade stares at him and then a bit more. 

Tommy shuffles awkwardly under his gaze.

“Huh,” Is all the hero replies. 

“Um, anyways,” Tommy starts, “Can I have the sword?”

“No.”

Worth a shot. 

“Fine, fine,” Tommy sighs, “Gun it is.”

He eventually finds the most epic gun in existence. It’s beauty, It’s grace, It will shoot someone in the face.

He marvels the gun in his hand, sleek and red and fucking pogchamp. He grins, “I want this one.” He declares, looking up at Technoblade.

The hero huffs, “Sure kid, take it.”

“You are my favourite hero, Technoblade.” Tommy announces loudly. “I think not even Philza is as awesome as you. Even though he is so pog and I would die for him. I don’t really like Willow all that much, even if he is epic, because he’s trying to kill me.”

Technoblade smirks, but something in his eyes softens the expression. “You’re welcome Tommy.”

Tommy feels oddly warm in the airy room. 

He smiles at the hero.

“So, are you sure about the sword? Or?”

“No.”

_____

  
  


Tommy kicks open the door, gun raised and full of darts.

“Wassup fuckers.”

The slenderman dude is still fucking there. And he’s playing _Mario Kart_ with Tubbo. His Tubbo.

This is unacceptable.

Clementine blows bubbles up at him. Tommy nods.

There is only one way.

Tommy raises his gun and shoots the two-toned bitch right in his arm.

Tommy grins in triumph as the guy lets out a pained wheeze on the floor, Tubbo alternating between trying to help his friend and shooting daggers at the blonde.

“I warned you my friend,” Tommy states, blowing the imaginary steam from his gun. “Mess with me and face the glock, for I, am TommyInnit, vigilante and glock wielder extraordinaire.”

_____

  
  


Wilbur and Phil walk back from patrol to their penthouse, to find Techno eating noodles on the couch.

“When did you get back mate?” Phil questions, slumping down beside the younger.

“A while ago,” The man says around a slurp. 

“I thought you had patrol?” Wilbur narrows his eyes.

“Yeah I ended it early.”

“Why?” Wilbur questions, suspicious and wary. 

“Got an orphan.”

“You hate orphans,” Phil comments.

“This one was cool. He lifted my sword.”

“Hold up, hold up,” Wilbur raises his hand, “You brought a _child_ to the headquarters and took them to your _lair?!_ ”

“He lifted your _sword?!_ ” Phil questions in disbelief.

Techno shrugs. 

“Why would you do that?!” Wilbur shrieks.

“I was giving him guns. To hurt you,” The twin explains, twirling some noodles around his fork.

“ _Me?!”_

“Yeah,” Techno grins, “Did I forget to mention? It’s that one kid who just like, constantly, destroys you beyond repair.”

Wilbur stares at him and then stares some more, expression blank. “Techno-“

“Can’t you wait? I’m eatin’.”

“ _Techno-“_

“Come on dude, gimme a break. Let me eat my noodles.”

“ _Chuck-“_

_“_ Dude, Wil-“

_“-yourself off the balcony.”_

Phil just watches in despair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typos? i don’t think so u liar (pls tell)
> 
> sorry i haven’t updated in a while, i was too busy FINISHING my other fic. Yup that’s right guys, i actually finished a multi chaptered fic and i think that’s quite pog. maybe u should go read it if u like sbi and dream + tubbo sibling angst - it’s called the boy in the bubble.
> 
> okay that’s enough plugging. thank you all so much for supporting this crack fic. please try not to take this fic so seriously lmao i wrote this on a whim so it mainly just for humour and not heavy lore or plot or anything (although i do have some plot which is building up tee hee)
> 
> u guys are so funny in the comments omg. i can’t believe we are on like 17000 hits or smth. that’s insane. i love u guys
> 
> also some people last chapter missed the discord link so i’m putting it up one last time <3
> 
> https://discord.gg/h75NwzqQ
> 
> here u go
> 
> cult pog


	6. We Didn’t Start The Fire It Was Always Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jack manefol jack manefol aww jack manefol jack manefol-foll off bridge jack mani-foll off bridge jack mani-buuh jack manidrown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYUP! new chapter here! :)
> 
> i bet u losers missed me /lh
> 
> this chapter is honestly a bit of a fever dream for me lmao
> 
> i don’t think there’s any TW this chapter, but please comment if u think i should put any :)
> 
> enjoy

  
  


Tommy wakes up to a foot in his face. 

This is not unusual. 

However, this foot is long and has a spongebob squarepants sock on.

That’s not Tubbo’s foot.

Tommy sits up abruptly and almost falls off the bed. 

There is another boy in his bed. 

“What the fuck.”

Tubbo stirs from his end of the bed, rubbing his eye blearily as he glances over at his roommate. “Tommy shut up you dick.”

“Why is this bitch in our bed?!” Tommy demands, fists clenching the covers in anger.

Tubbo glares at him, “Because you fucking shot him in the arm.”

“Okay?” Tommy furrows his eyebrows, “That sounds like a him problem.”

“ _You_ shot him.” 

“Okayyyy?” Tommy drawls, “Still don’t know why he’s in my bed.”

“ _Our_ bed,” Tubbo corrects, “You’re lucky I didn’t make you sleep outside. The least you could do is let him recover.”

“Recover from what? It was a dart! I didn’t stab the bitch or some shit,” Tommy rolls his eyes.

“He could report you to the authorities for assault. You _shot_ him. He cried.” Tubbo glares.

Tommy shrugs, “Eh,” 

Tubbo has the audacity to pull the covers further around the two-toned stick boy and _pat_ his head protectively. What the fuck. 

He’s being replaced. It’s official. 

“Is this it? Is this the end Tubbo? Of us? Of all we’ve built together?” Tommy bemoans, head in hands.

“What are you on about now?”

“All the memories. The orphanage. The noodles we ate together. That one time I ate all your skittles. The time you threw me out the window. The _other_ time you threw me out the window. When we jumped off a train. When you set fire to that building and blamed me. That time you pretend to be my dad-“

“I thought Henry stole my skittles?” 

“Shhh,” Tommy soothes calmly, “I’m reminiscing about our relationship. I’m grieving.”

Tubbo stares at him in exasperation. “Grieving what?”

“The end.”

Tubbo snuggles back under the covers, shoulder to shoulder with that _imposter_. “I could keep questioning your bullshit but I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep. Go find a hobby or something. Actually, how about you get a job. You’re sixteen. It’s legal.”

Tommy frowns, offended. “I have a job.”

“Do you get paid?”

Tommy pauses, raising a finger to his chin in thought. 

“Exactly.”

Now that Tommy thinks about it, all his hard work stopping drug dealers and being epic goes unnoticed. No one ever pays him for his constant vigilance.

“You know what?” Tommy starts loudly, clapping his hands together, “I’m going to get a job that gives me money. I’m going to get a job and you’re going to be so impressed by my job skills that you will forget all about Ranboob and beg for my forgiveness. Then I will consider accepting your apology, but I will make you beg some more and make you buy me dinner and then you will be my servant for a week and do my laundry. Then and only then, will I accept your apology for ignoring my charisma and charm for some wannabe slenderman. I will have so much money.”

Tommy looks at Tubbo. “Are you scared of my master plan Tubbo?”

“Tubbo?”

Tubbo is sleeping.

_____

  
  
  


“So here’s the thing _Clementine,”_ Tommy starts as he shrugs on his black suit, straightening out the collar of his button up. “We can’t just get _any_ job. We have to get the only job. The job of jobs. Y’know?”

Clementine stares at him.

“Yeah, exactly. McDonald’s is like, not good enough. We go big or we go home. We want money or we want _nothing._ Do you understand _Clementine?”_

Clementine spins in a circle.

“That’s my girl,” Tommy grins, “I would get a suit for you, but I haven’t found any on Amazon yet.”

Tommy picks up his tie and wraps it around his neck before pausing. “Do you know how to do this?” He asks the fish, hands holding the ends of the tie in confusion.

Clementine gapes.

“Okay, so one over the other? Are you sure?”

Clementine does a flip. 

“Right, right. Uh huh. Okay, yep,” Tommy mumbles as he follows the instructions before turning to look into the mirror. 

“ _Clementine,_ you’re a genius. It’s perfect.” 

Clementine blows a bubble.

_____

  
  


“What’s your name?”

“Thomas Richardson the um,” Tommy stills. Which is better? Third or fourth? “Thomas Richardson the Fifth,” He settles on.

The man at the desk types on his computer, eyeing him sceptically, “Yeah, you’re not registered in our database.”

Tommy frowns, “That is incredibly strange, goodsir. I’ll have you know, I’ve been working at this company for the last decade.”

“Right… “ The man purses his lips, “And what is your role here?”

Tommy scoffs, “You _really_ don’t know me? That’s appalling. Who are they hiring these days? I need to speak with the CEO.”

The desk manager tenses, “Sir, I don’t know who you are but I request that you leave the building before I call security.”

Shit.

Okay. Maybe this isn’t working.

Tommy lifts his shades upwards to stare down at the man. “Listen here, you fucking _peasant._ I will rain hellfire on you if you do not provide me with the access I desire. I am Thomas Richardson the Fifth and I have connections that you could only dream of-“

“What’s going on here?”

Tommy pauses and feels dread pool in his stomach as the desk manager lets out a relieved sigh.

“Manifold sir, this gentleman here has been harassing me with false information.”

Fucking snitch. 

Manifold lifts his shades to stare at Tommy, eyes raking up his form. Tommy does the same with his shades.

Manifold grins, “I like you. What’s your name?”

“Thomas Richardson the Fifth,” Tommy replies.

“Nice, I’m gonna call you Dick. That alright Dick?”

Tommy doesn’t like that. 

But… 

Money.

“Yes, Dick is an appropriate replacement for my name,” He agrees.

Manifold claps a hand on his back, “Thanks Spifey, this guy is with me now.”

Spifey watches in bewilderment. “Of - of course sir.”

Manifold pats Tommy’s shoulder, “Come with me.”

Tommy nods, picking Clementine up from the desk, bottle under his arm.

“What’s the fish for?” Manifold questions casually as he steers them into an elevator. 

“Emotional support.”

Manifold nods, “Cool.”

  
  


_____

  
  


“See, I’ve been looking for some fresh blood in this company. I wanna speak to the people. I wanna produce products that show the world that we understand them. That we understand their struggles and their problems, that we can be relatable. We need people like you,” Manifold says from his chair, centred in the middle of the office. 

It’s more of a penthouse than an office in Tommy’s opinion.

“What is it you make exactly?” Tommy asks as he touches some random glass ornaments. There’s one of a horse with wings and it’s pretty pog.

“Cereal.”

“Cereal?”

“Yeah, you ever heard of Manifold flakes?” 

“Oh! I had that for breakfast, it was shit - I mean, there’s a lot of interesting flavours,” Tommy coughs.

“It’s shit. You can say it’s shit. That’s why we lace it with cocaine.”

Tommy’s eyebrow twitches. “Sorry what?”

“What?” Manifold tilts his head.

Tommy laughs nervously, “Hah, sorry I thought you said cocaine for a minute there.”

“Anyways,” Manifold continues, “I want you to help me improve this company. Raise it to it’s true potential and then _exceed_ it.” 

“Wait so I’m hired?”

Manifold laughs, “Dick, you’re the manager.”

_Poggers._

_____

  
  


Tommy adjusts his phone, awkwardly tilting his head. “Hello TikTok, I am now manager of Manifold Inc. This is very big man of me,” He breathes, lifting his badge. “See? Look at my badge, I am very pog right now.” He grins.

“Dick? You have a meeting in five.”

Tommy posts the video and stops spinning in his chair. He glances over at his secretary, Violet or Purple or something. 

“Thanks Ivy,” He replies as he gets up, adjusting his shades.

“It’s Purpled.”

Tommy nods, “Okay Amethyst.”

He hears a groan of frustration and the door closes. 

“Y’know,” Tommy turns to his daughter, “I think we should commission you a tank in the wall. What do you think _Clementine?”_

Clementine swims around quickly.

Tommy grins, “Yes, yes I know. Just imagine it _Clementine._ A massive tank, all to yourself. So many Coco Pops. You’ll be living the dream.”

TommyInnit is actually the most successful person alive. It’s true. He has his own office and everything. All in a matter of hours. _No one_ does it like him.

“Let’s go boss around some fuckers, _Clem.”_

_____

  
  


“Wait, you want to turn the top floor into a temple?”

Tommy tuts at Amanda, “A _shrine_.”

Amanda stares, “You want us, to turn the top floor - the board meeting room - into a shrine for your fish.” 

Tommy sighs, glancing around the room in exasperation. He looks at the other members, shaking his head at Amanda’s ignorance. 

“Listen, Amanda, I like you, you’re cool,” Tommy starts, “But you’re asking too much questions and not giving any answers. Can you build it by this evening or not?”

Amanda looks at the others for help, but they all nervously turn away. “You can’t seriously make us turn a meeting room into a shrine for a _goldfish_.”

_“_ Her name is _Clementine_ and you will address her as such,” Tommy scowls, “There is no room for disrespect. I think you need to look at the slides again,” Tommy sighs and picks up the laser pen, pointing it at the projector.

“Slide one,” Tommy says aloud, gesturing to the wall. “Don’t disrespect _Clementine._ ” He clicks the pen. “Slide two; Address _Clementine_ with she slash her. She is not an it.” He clicks again, “Slide three; Blueberry muffins are mandatory.” 

He turns off the projector. “Am I understood? Because I feel like there’s a lot of miscommunication going on here. Tell me if you understand.”

The members all sigh, “Yes Dick.”

Tommy claps his hands together, “Brilliant, so the shrine is a go. That’s great guys. This has been a productive meeting. See you tomorrow.”

“Wait what about the stocks? The sugar tax has made us raise the prices and-“

“Sorry what? I thought I just ended the meeting. Didn’t I end the meeting?” Tommy questions, frowning.

Amanda lets out a frustrated noise, “Dick, please. This isn’t what’s good for the company. Are you even eligible to work here? How _old_ are you?!”

“Old enough,” Tommy shrugs, “Goodbye now.”

“But-“

Tommy lifts his shades to look down at her. 

Amanda sighs.

“Yes Dick.”

Tommy grins, “Great meeting guys, see you later. Looking forward to the shrine.”

Once they’ve all left the room Tommy sighs, leaving back against his chair. “ _Clementine_ this is going so well. It’s stressful though, Amanda is proving to be a problematic employee. Might have to cancel her.”

_____

“So, how’s everything going? Well I assume?” Manifold questions.

Tommy adjusts his tie and sniffs, “Yes, yes of course. The employees love me. The business is going well. The shrine is almost at completion.”

“Shrine?” Manifold raises an eyebrow.

Tommy waves him off, “Nothing to worry about I assure you. Just go back to CEO things. I’ve got it covered Jack.” 

“Jack? Are we close enough for that Dick?” Manifold narrows his eyes.

“Yes,” Tommy lifts his shades, “I think we are Jack.”

Manifold grins, clapping a hand on the boy’s back, “That’s why I like you Dick, got backbone,” He praises before sighing, “Well I’ve got a meeting. Keep this place from burning down will you?” The man jokes.

Tommy laughs, “Have no worries Jack, this place is more stable than it’s ever been with me around.”

Manifold laughs, “Good man, Dick, good man.”

_____

  
  


“Mr Dick sir! The shrine is ready,” Violet alerts him.

“Thanks Mauve,” Tommy replies, standing up excitedly, grabbing Clementine. “Let’s go girl.”

“Purpled sir.”

“Yes yes Plum, I got the message thank you.”

Tommy slides past the secretary to the elevator. 

He sees a worker about to enter and quickly tries to close the elevator. The woman narrowly pushes past the closing doors with a glare.

Tommy glares back. “I was trying to close it.”

“I noticed. How rude of you,” She scowls.

“It was a hint that I wanted to be alone.”

“Unlucky.”

“Listen here woman, I am Dick, manager of this company. Be respectful. I wanted to talk to my daughter in private but I suppose I’ll allow your presence.”

The woman frowns, “Daughter?” 

“Yes, my beloved _Clementine._ ” Tommy says reverently before lifting the sprite bottle higher so that he’s eye level with the fish.

“Right, um, I think this is my stop actually,” The woman says abruptly, repeatedly pressing the eight floor.

Tommy watches her frantically press the button and stumble out of the elevator. He shrugs.

“Now that we’re finally alone, _Clementine._ Your room is completed, so you need to close your eyes for the surprise,” Tommy tells her.

Clementine swims slowly.

“No, close your eyes or you’ll ruin it.”

Clementine flops upside down and floats, stationary.

“Good, I’ll tell you when to open your eyes,” Tommy nods as he steps out of the elevator on the twelfth floor.

The floor is a masterpiece. A renaissance tapestry of Tommy touching Clementine’s fin sits on the largest wall. There are candles lined across the walls. The floor is a gold and white marbling. 

Tommy gasps.

Low and behold, the tank. 

No, it’s more than a tank.

An aquarium.

It takes up the entirety of the wall window, showcasing the landscape outside through a watery lens.

“ _Clementine_ open your beautiful eyes,” Tommy whispers.

Clementine turns back around and stares. 

Then she starts flipping the fuck out. Swimming at super speed, faster than the speed of light. 

She’s a blur of happiness.

“ _Clementine_ this is your true calling. This is what you deserve my daughter,” Tommy says as he carefully opens the sprite bottle cap, pouring the fish into the opening of the tank.

Tommy watches her swim around excitedly and feels a tear come to his eye. 

“Are you - are you _crying_ over a fish?” 

Tommy hastily wiped at his cheek turning to Lavender, “I’m not crying, this scene is just very majestic to me.”

Indigo looks at him sceptically, “Right, well I’m obligated to ask if you need anything else sir?”

Tommy hums, “More candles, some roses - the orange ones and um, you got any Oreos?”

Crocus nods, “Yes sir will do.”

Tommy grins, “Thank you, Lilac.”

Grape sighs.

  
  


_____

  
  


In Tommy’s defence. 

He did not set the building on fire.

That’s what he will say in court. 

“What the _fuck_ happened?!” Manifold screams in terror as his corporation goes up in flames. 

“Ah,” Tommy says eloquently, as he watches his tapestry burn. It looks kind of poetic if he’s honest. “Well, you see, the - the uh, the candles they - well - I - no not me, I think Jasmine did it actually.”

“Who the fuck is Jasmine?” Manifold screams. 

Jeez, this guy needs to calm down.

“You know, Dark Orchid, my secretary or whatever. I think he did it. Probably,” Tommy shrugs, trying not to cough up a lung at the fire. 

“We need to evacuate the building!” Manifold screeches grabbing Tommy’s arm to drag him to the fire exit.

“Yeah, but my tank, I gotta' get _Clementine.”_ Tommy complains.

“Who cares about the fucking fish?!”

Tommy gasps, deeply hurt, “She is my _daughter._ I would sacrifice my life for her.”

Manifold stares at him, shaking his head slowly, “You’re _insane_ ,” He whispers in disbelief.

Tommy frowns, “Um no, anyways I gotta' get my fish. Meet you outside or something,” He says before decking it back to the room.

He yelps as fire licks at his heels. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have requested so many candles.

“ _Clementine!_ Father is here to save you!” Tommy calls out as jumps onto the tank shimmies down into it, submerging himself in the water.

He holds his breath and holds out his hand for the fish who immediately swims into his embrace. He grins, using his other hand to guide her into the sprite bottle.

Okay now he just needs to get out of the tank and get the fuck out of the building.

He’s halfway out of the tank when he notices the fire surrounding him.

Fuck. 

Okay.

Tommy lowers himself back into the tank. 

He might die here. 

Come on. He’s TommyInnit. He’s _courageous_ and _athletic_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic._

And drowning. 

For fucksake. All he wanted was a source of income. And world domination maybe.

He looks into Clementine’s eyes. 

Clementine stares back at him and blows a bubble. 

The tank shatters into a million pieces and Tommy barely has time to gasp before he’s taken into strong arms.

“What the fuck,” He chokes out, water dribbling out of his mouth as he glances up at his saviour. 

“Hello there mate, sorry about this, bit messy of an entrance.”

_Philza_.

Oh my god. Oh my _god._

This - _this_ is the best day ever. This tops every experience Tommy has ever experienced ever.

“Philza,” He whispers reverently.

“That’s me,” Philza laughs. Oh god he just laughed. This is great. Tommy made _the_ Philza laugh. “You were in a bit of a pickle weren’t you.”

That’s when Tommy realises he’s in the air. He’s _flying_ in Philza’s arms. 

Maybe he _did_ die.

Now that he’s aware, he can feel the wind blowing through his hair, feels his soaked suit sticking to his body uncomfortably. He shivers.

He can also see Philza’s huge fucking wings flapping behind him. This is so pog. He might pass out.

“I might pass out,” Tommy says.

Philza laughs again, “That’s okay mate but what the fuck were you doing in a tank?” 

“ _Clementine,”_ He answers.

Philza just nods, “Oh that’s cool.”

Tommy grins. “Yeah.”

_____

  
  


Eventually Philza lowers them to the ground, Tommy wobbling for his footing before stabilizing himself. 

He looks over at Manifold Inc. the building burnt and smouldering. 

Yikes.

Tommy goes to put his shades on only to realise they’re missing. 

Double yikes. 

“What’s your name mate?” Philza questions.

“Dick,” Tommy answers immediately, “Short for Thomas Richardson the Fifth.”

Philza smiles, albeit a bit puzzled but mostly just warmly, “Ah right, I see. Well I’ve got to help my colleagues get the rest out of the building. You gonna be okay?”

Tommy nods, shivering. “Uh huh, yep.”

Philza looks at him for a moment and then smiles, eyes seemingly deciding something. 

Tommy watches as the man takes off his bucket hat, settling it on the boy’s head gently. 

“Don’t catch a cold mate, I’ll see you later alright?”

Tommy nods belatedly, speechless. 

_____

  
  


Tommy walks through the door, Clementine’s bottle clunking as he slumps against the wall.

Tubbo and the slenderman bitch pop out of the kitchen to stare at him.

“You were out for ages, where’d you go?” Tubbo questions.

Tommy sighs, “Got a job, set the place on fire, flew out a window.”

Tubbo nods, “Nice, what’d you want for dinner?” 

Tommy hums, “Sausage, mash and peas?”

“No mash, sausage and chips?” Tubbo offers.

Tommy nods, “Good enough.”

The two-toned fucker stares at Tommy a little longer as Tubbo returns to the kitchen. “I like your hat,” He says.

Tommy grunts, “Thanks.”

“Don’t forget to change out of those clothes before you get sick Tommy,” Tubbo calls.

“Yes Big T.”

_____

Sitting on the couch, watching reruns of South Park, Tommy decides that maybe Ranboob isn’t that bad.

“Pass me the ketchup?” 

“Get it yourself bitch.”

“That’s a bit rude, pass the ketchup?”

Tommy rolls his eyes, “Ugh, fine,” He huffs, passing the ketchup to the taller.

“Thanks man.”

“Shut up.”

“Tommy be nice,” Tubbo chides even though he isn’t really listening, immersed in the tv. 

“Whatever.”

Tommy takes a bite of his chip before pausing.

"I didn't even get fucking paid!"

_____

  
  


Phil enters the penthouse to find the two other residents playing Uno. 

“Hey guys,” He greets.

“Hi Phil.”

“Hellooo.”

“I met someone interesting today,” He says conversationally, hanging up his coat.

“Oh?” Wilbur questions absentmindedly, glaring at Techno as he places a +4.

“Yeah, he said his name was Thomas Richardson the Fifth?”

Techno snorts, “That’s interesting.”

Phil hums, “Yeah, he reminded me of that vigilante kid.”

Wilbur stills, “You met him?”

Phil nervously laughs, “Not exactly, I don’t know if it was him. He just sounded like him, and was the same height and has a weird pet fish.”

Techno smiles, “You talkin’ bout Clementine?”

Phil laughs, “Yeah but he says it like _Clementine._ ”

“Where did you even see him?” Techno questions as he places down a +2. 

“Saved him from a burning building, still don’t know why the fuck he was there,” Phil shrugs.

It’s oddly silent after that and Phil turns only to find Wilbur glaring a hole into the table. 

“Why the fuck do you guys keep finding him and not turning him in?” The man questions, eerily calm.

Phil sweats. “Ah Wil I wasn’t sure and y’know he’s real cute man. He doesn’t even do much, he’s harmless.”

“Harmless? _Harmless?_ He resisted my mind control and picked up Techno’s _sword.”_ Wilbur seethes.

Techno smirks, “You’re just jealous. I know you wanna lift my sword bro.”

“Shut the fuck up, that’s it. I’m gonna capture him. I’m gonna capture him since you imbeciles keep letting him go,” Wilbur grits his teeth.

Techno rolls his eyes, “Calm down Wil, you need a nap or something? He’s a kid, he can’t do that much.”

Wilbur lets out a noise of deep frustration, glaring.

Phil sighs, “Wil _no_.”

“Wil _yes_ ,” Wilbur retorts as he glares at his twin. “ _Go fucking sky dive out the window.”_

“He didn’t even do anything Wil!”

“He made me pick up eight cards!”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one: saw any typos (pls tell)
> 
> tommy: let’s build a shrine
> 
> innocent employees trying to do their best: yes dick
> 
> this chapter was very crazy even to me and yes all the events took place in one day don’t question it
> 
> we are getting a bit more plot maybe??? idk
> 
> also!!! i’m gonna try and do a schedule so u guys aren’t just waiting for chapters randomly lmao. so, to be manageable and leave time for school i’ll be updating chapters most likely over the weekend from now on. so expect a chapter fri-sun unless i randomly decide to do one in the week. beware this may not go to plan but hopefully i’ll be able to update weekly :)))
> 
> anyways yh i love you guys, i can’t believe we’re at 27000 hits when we were at 17000 last chapter - it’s honestly crazy. and there was even more comments last chapter, i love each and everyone one - they make me smile so much and some of them are so fucking funny lmaooo (the flirty ones are my favourite ahaha let’s all get married ahaha)
> 
> cult pog <3
> 
> also also!!!!
> 
> here’s some fanart! I'll post one each chapter :)
> 
> i love fanart so much so thank you to everyone who has done some for me <3333 i’d love to display them all so don’t be afraid to tag me on twitter 
> 
> [really cool fanart of tommy and tubbo :)))](https://twitter.com/_cb28/status/1363122653997895683?s=21)


	7. Why The Fuck Is There Spaghetti In My Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
> 
> There's vomit on his sweater already, Ranboo's spaghetti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote half of this at like 1am and then passed out 
> 
> u weirdos are probably excited for this chapter 
> 
> enjoy

TommyInnit the _courageous_ and _athletic_ and _handsome_ and _charismatic_ vigilante, is sick. 

Yes, take a moment - a minute to comprehend. Tommy understands if you are shocked beyond belief; it is truly unbelievable to think that _he_ of all beings would succumb to a puny cold. 

“Tommy stop whining.”

He sneezes. 

“Oh god ew, cover your nose man,” Tubbo complains, shying away from the blanketed bundle of germs.

Tommy glares, eyes red, “I’ll do it again,” He warns.

Tubbo screws up his face in that one expression that is made just for Tommy, it’s a mixture of disgust, disappointment, despair and deep ire. Tommy calls it the Quadruple D Expression, or QDE™️ as a quick and simple initialism. 

“It’s just a spoonful,” Tubbo rolls his eyes, nudging the tablespoon forward.

“You’re trying to kill me,” Tommy declares, lips pursed. 

“Not yet,” Tubbo smiles, “But you’re driving me closer to the edge every second.”

“The edge of what?” Tommy sniffs.

“Mass genocide.”

Jesus, this guy _seriously_ needs therapy. “You ever tried therapy, big man?” Tommy suggests like the kind person he is. God, Tommy is so kind, so good, such a _saint;_ here he is, on his deathbed, dying, and he’s spending his last moments being emotional support for his deranged best friend. No one is doing it like him.

Tubbo stares at him, “That’s not a question _you_ should ever ask anyone.”

“That’s rude,” Tommy grumbles, wrapping the blanket tighter around his frozen body. “I am offended, please leave as you have severely offended me. I am offended,” He declares, offended.

Tubbo sighs, widening his eyes, “Can you please just take this? You’ll feel better Tom.”

What a dirty tactic. Truly disgusting that he would do such a horrible thing. 

Tommy scowls, “Don’t ‘Tom’ me you dick I’m not drinking that poison.”

“Please? Big man?”

Damn him. Damn Tubbo to hell. The heathen.

“No,” He argues.

“Big T?”

“ ...No,” He pouts.

“Tommy, you’re so brave and courageous and cool. But to prove your ultimate strength, you need to drink this. It’s the only way.”

Now, Tommy knows that is bullshit.

Probably. 

It’s kind of bullshit? 

Maybe. 

...It may be bullshit.

He needs to prove his ultimate strength. 

“Are you lying?” He mumbles, squinting his eyes at the teenager.

Tubbo shakes his head, “No lies here big man, I just wanna see how strong you are.”  
  


Tommy huffs, shivering, “Fine, I’ll do it. For strength,” He concedes, before adding, “And pogness.”

“Not a word.”

“Pogness,” He repeats.

Tubbo sighs, “Still not a word, now drink it,” The boy nudges the spoonful closer.

Tommy looks down at the spoon of brown liquid and scrunches his nose.

“ _Tommy_ ,” Tubbo says impatiently. 

“Wait, I need- I need to prepare myself. I-“

Tubbo shoves the spoon in his mouth and he splutters.

Tubbo smiles, “Wow, great job big man, that’s great.”

Tommy considers spitting it out just to spite him, but Tubbo might kill him. He swallows the bitter liquid. 

“Fuck you,” He croaks out.

Tubbo just smiles, “Uh huh, alright big guy, I’m leaving now, Ranboo is making you soup or something I dunno.”

“I don’t want Ranboob’s soup.”

“Be nice, I won’t stand for you bullying the innocent child.”

Tommy scowls, “Then sit down.”

Tubbo rolls his eyes, “Hah hah, so creative.”

Tommy pouts, “Why are you leaving me?”

Tubbo sighs, “Tommy you know I have to go at some point.”

“This is betrayal, this is unacceptable and bad.”

Tubbo groans, “You’re so fuckin’ dramatic.”

“Leaving me behind with that tall bitch boy,” Tommy continues.

“No Ranboo slander in this household,” Tubbo says sternly, “I’ll be back soon Tom.”

“You won’t,” Tommy sniffs, “You’re leaving forever.”

Tubbo pats his head, “You’re obviously delirious.”

“I’m not delicious you freak,” Tommy grumbles.

“Alright, you need to sleep, lay down Tommy,” Tubbo orders.

“But- but my fucking nose, it’s - it’s blocked. I can’t breathe. I’m dying,” Tommy bemoans.

“Okay, okay,” Tubbo soothes, “Here,” He says, placing a few pillows behind the other’s back, “Sleep propped up like this, and - and you’ll be fine.”

Tommy looks up blearily, “Don’t leave me with slender man.”

Tubbo snorts, “You’ll be fine. Call me if you need me, I’ll be back before you know it.”

Tommy sniffs, “You’re a terrible, _terrible_ friend.”

“Yup okay, see you later dude,” Tubbo grins, getting up off the bed and abandoning Tommy to the cruel, cruel world.

Tommy shivers, “This is unacceptable.”

_____

  
  


“ _Clementine,_ I want to do crime,” Tommy announces to the fish. 

Clementine stares at him, “No.”

“But _Clementine,_ crime pogchamp.”

“No, bad Tommy.”

“Yes Tommy.”

“No Tommy.”

“Yes Tommy.”

“Um Tommy? I’ve brought you soup?” Ranboob peaks into the room unsurely, glancing between the bedridden boy and the goldfish.

“I’m having an important discussion at the moment, we’ll have to reschedule,” Tommy coughs, waving off the boy.

“With… Clementine?” Ranboob tilts his head, eyebrow raised.

“Yes, _Clementine_ says no to crime,” Tommy glares at his daughter. Clementine blows a bubble and Tommy gasps, “How bloody dare you?”

“I thought you were a vigilante?” Ranboob frowns, “Don’t they, like, stop crime,” Ranboob pauses, “Albeit, illegally.”

“Yes, but I want crime now.” 

“Can you please drink your soup?”

“No.”

“But Tubbo said-“

“Tubbo isn’t here and you have no authority over me. This is my house now bitch,” Tommy declares through a particularly intense coughing fit, voice rough.

“It’s actually an apartment,” Ranboob retorts. Tommy rolls his eyes.

“Okay Ranboob,” He says, continuing even as the other teenager goes to protest, “Well it doesn’t matter, you can’t control me. You can’t force me to eat your soup. I am TommyInnit and I am a big man-“

“I could just call Tubbo?” Ranboob suggests.

Tommy _knew_ it. This guy is an actual satan spawn in disguise. He’s pure unadulterated evil. 

“That’s blackmail.”

Ranboob hums, “Is it? I think it’s just gentle, emotional manipulation? I don’t really know, it’s more Tubbo’s area than mine to be honest.”

“Don’t call Tubbo.”

Ranboob takes out his phone, “Uh huh, are you going to drink your soup?”

Tommy stares, then he glances down at Clementine. _Help me_ , he prays to his one and only true friend in this cruel, cruel world. Clementine does a twirl.

Okay, Tommy can work with this.

It’s time for a Pro Gamer Move™️.

“Ok,” He concedes, “I’m gonna drink your fuckin’ ass soup.”

“I assure you there’s no ass in it, absolutely none,” Ranboob smiles, a confused look in his eyes, handing over the soup. 

There’s definitely ass in that soup. 

“Alright, I’m gonna drink this soup,” Tommy sighs, taking the bowl and spoon. “Go write a book or something, I dunno what the fuck you do.” 

“I don’t… write books?” 

“What are all them diaries doing around the place then?”

Ranboob pauses, “They’re not- I’m not - It’s not for writing _books_. It’s for um, like notes- note taking. Of what I learn, with Tubbo.”

“Uh huh, sure big guy,” Tommy squints at him, “Do me a favour and name your first book ‘How to sex’ by TommyInnit, thanks.”

“I’m not doing tha-“

“Thanks, I really appreciate it big man. So happy you’d agree.”

Ranboob stares at him. Oh god, he’s developing the _look._ The QDE _™️_ look. 

Well, it was only a matter of time really.

“You know what,” Ranboob sighs, “Sure I’ll do that.”

“Poggers,” Tommy grins.

“I’m gonna go watch the newest ep’ of WandaVision. Drink your soup and have a nap,” Ranboob orders, tiredly.

“Of course,” Tommy agrees.

Ranboob narrows his eyes, “Don’t do anything… that Tubbo would do and don’t do anything you would do, and um, don’t do anything that you or Tubbo wouldn’t do… find the little grey area in the middle of all of that.”

“You’re sayin’ a lot of words, stick man,” Tommy mumbles, “I’m gonna be good, I promise.”

Ranboob nods, once then twice, “Good, good,” He repeats, “I’m gonna check on you like, every five minutes.”

“Your lack of trust wounds me,” Tommy says, placing a hand on his heart. 

“Please, just do what sick people do and rest,” Ranboob sighs, walking back out the door.

_____

  
  


Tommy would like to state that Ranboob never excluded Clementine from his little grey area. 

Clementine always has brilliant ideas, and there’s a lot of things that she will do. 

What Tommy is doing right now, is not one of them.

“ _Clementine_ shhh,” Tommy hushes her as he scales the apartment building. “You’re such a bad sidekick.”

Clementine swims quickly in the bottle. 

“Oh my _god_ ,” Tommy groans, “Look I’m sorry, your plan was just stupid. Why would I stay in bed all day? It’s crime time baby.”

Clementine stares at him.

“Listen, I could have left you at home,” Tommy grumbles, “I’m being so nice to you right now.”

Clementine blinks.

“Okay that’s just fuckin’ rude. Listen, we’re gonna have fun. The night has just begun my daughter,” Tommy grins, “Also, I am not drinking that shitty soup, why was there spaghetti in it?” He shudders.

Tommy lands on his feet, legs shaking. The world blurs for a second and he stabilizes himself against the wall. 

“Shut up _Clementine,_ it’s crime time, and _nobody_ stops crime time.”

_____

  
  


“Yeah dude, I’m gonna need to see your hero license,” The Blazing Hero Sapnap holds out his hand lazily, “Cuz’ like, there’s been a vigilante around these parts, doin’ stuff.”

Tommy coughs, “Hah, of course, it’s just - just,” He shuffles around in his hoodie pocket, “It’s uh, just… “

Sapnap stares, “Yeah, dude can you like, hurry up? I actually ordered a pizza like ten minutes ago but then 404 fucking slept through his patrol so _I_ had to do it - anyways, just hurry up.”

“Oh nice, what toppings?” Tommy asks.

“Pineapple.”

Tommy scrunches up his face underneath his mask, “ …Pineapple?”

Sapnap glares, “Did I stutter? Stupid bitch.”

“Woah big man, calm down,” Tommy laughs, “You’re just obviously at the bottom of the food chain.”

“What the fuck? I’m a top ten ranking hero?” Sapnap frowns.

Tommy snorts, “Not with those tastebuds you aren’t. You’re at the bottom now. Natural selection is coming for you.”

“I’ll give you fucking natural selection in a minute,” The hero threatens, “Give me your license.”

“Yeah,” Tommy nods, “Of course big man, it’s just…” He shuffles around some more before pulling out a card, “Here,” He says handing it over as he slowly inches away, Clementine in hand.

“This is a fucking Tesco ClubCard.”

Tommy grins, “Buy yourself a meal deal!” He shouts as he activates his trainers, jumping off into the night.

  
  


_____

  
  


Ranboo wipes away a tear as the episode ends, “Wow, that - that was - wow.”

WandaVision is a masterpiece, truly.

He looks at the time; 9:46pm

Oh jeez, he was meant to check on Tommy. 

Hopefully the boy is asleep. 

Ranboo stands up, stretching idly as he makes his way to the bedroom. 

“Tommy?” He calls out softly. 

Silence.

Ranboo prays he’s sleeping.

He inches the door open slowly, peeking inside to see an… empty bed.

“Oh man.”

_____

  
  


Tommy is currently running. 

“ _Clementine_ , this was, perhaps not my poggest idea,” He huffs out sluggishly, as the trees morph into one another. 

“None of your ideas are pog.”

“Shut _up_ . I can’t believe- '' He breathes shakily, lungs heaving, “That I raised you and fed you and taught you crime only for you to -to _turn_ on me. My own flesh and blood.”

“Tommy, tree.”

“ _Clementine,_ you’re not a tree, you’re a fi-“

Tommy groans, forehead slamming into rough bark. 

“Tree.”

“Fuck off,” Tommy grunts, slumping down against it. He sniffles. Snot dribbles down and wipes it hastily with his sleeve.

“That’s nasty.”

“ _Clementine,_ stop bullying your sickly father. I am dying.”

“Still nasty.”

“I’ll put you up for adoption,” He threatens emptily.

“Sure.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Tubbo,” Tommy sighs, closing his eyes for just a few seconds. 

_____

  
  


“ _Tommy_ ,” A voice croons for him.

“ _Wake up. Wake up Tommy,”_ It says, “ _You need to wake up. This isn’t re-“_

_______

  
  


Tommy awakes with a gasp, head thinking against the tree. “Oh fuck,” He groans. 

Clementine stares up at him from her bottle. 

“ _Clementine,_ did I just pass out?” He asks groggily.

Clementine blows a bubble.

“I’m not tired,” He argues, “I don’t need a nap shut the fuck up,” He grumbles, standing on shaky feet. 

He pauses at the sound of shuffling. 

Tommy turns around suddenly, coming face to face with his worst enemy. 

Okay, well that’s a lie. To be honest this whole arch-nemesis shit is kinda one-sided.

Willow stares back at him, a smug smile. 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the little vigilante,” The hero grins.

Tommy resents that. “I resent that. I am tall.”

“Uh huh, anyways,” Willow twirls a set of handcuffs around his index finger. “This is where this shitty little game ends.”

“Listen man, I dunno how I offended you. Sorry there were no askers. Did you ever find any?” Tommy questions, interested.

Willow’s expression darkens. Yeesh okay, a sore spot it seems.

“You will rue this day.”

Tommy snorts, “I won’t ‘rue’ anything. You know you can like, talk normally right?” He says as he slowly inches away.

Willow stalks closer, “There’s no escape this time.”

Tommy glances down at Clementine, who stares back up at him.

Oh god, this may be the end.

Tommy sniffs as Willow turns into two blurry figures. 

Willow grabs him by the arm, yanking him forward and Tommy stumbles, unable to hold his own. 

“Time to see who’s behind this stupid mask,” Willow grins.

Tommy frowns, “Not stupid,” He mumbles trying to sluggishly squirm away.

Willow reaches the side of his mask and tugs it off with a quick tug.

Tommy stares up at the hero blearily. 

Silence envelopes them.

Willow looks really stupid. In Tommy’s opinion. He looks surprised or something. His mouth is wide open, eyes staring in disbelief. 

It makes Tommy laugh a bit, giggling softly. 

Willow is still staring at him like an idiot.

And then.

Tommy sneezes. Right in the hero’s face.

Willow lets out a shriek of disgust, letting go of the boy who flops down onto the ground.

Tommy giggles. “Sorry,” He says, not sorry at all.

Willow is frantically wiping the germs off of his face with his gloves. 

“You’re a brat,” Willow grits out, eyes still wide in shock. “How fucking old are you? You’re - you’re barely ten. No not even-“

Tommy frowns, “I’m sixteen. Fuck you.”

Willow stares, “Sixteen.”

“Yeah.”

“Sixteen.”

Tommy nods again, unsure, “Yeah?”

Willow groans, dropping to his knees, head in hands, “I’ve been chasing a _child._ An actual gremlin child.”

“I’m _not_ a child,” Tommy glares, upset. “Fuck you, you dick. Lets fucking go right now. I’ll - I’ll fight you.”

Willow snorts as Tommy stumbles to his feet. 

Tommy tries to scowl at the hero, but he doesn’t know which Willow to stare at. Why are there three?

Willow watches in barely concealed amusement as Tommy throws a punch so off centre that he misses the hero and trips over his own feet.

This is the worst day of Tommy’s life.

He feels hands grasp him under the knees and the middle of his back and lets out a whimper as the world tilts on its axis. 

“Up we go,” Willow sighs, cradling the boy to his chest. 

“No, no go down,” Tommy slurs, “Don’ send me jail, or - or I’ll sue you.”

Tommy feels the chest beneath his head rumble.

“Sure gremlin.”

“ _Clem-Clementine._ Need my daughter,” Tommy startles.

“The bottled fish?”

“ _Clementine.”_

“Okay, okay, got it. Hold on,” Tommy feels the hands jostle him up higher as Clementine is deposited in his arms.

“My child,” Tommy whispers.

“Alright, I’m taking you to the penthouse.”

“This is kidnapping?” Tommy questions, furrowing his brows. “This - this - _Clementine_ says it’s kidnapping.”

“Do you know how to get home?”

Silence.

Tommy huffs, “Fuck you, you - you fuckin’ hero man.”

Willow laughs, “Okay gremlin,” He says as he starts walking.

“Are you gonna kill me?” Tommy wonders, staring up into reddish brown eyes.

Willow’s expression is weird again. “I’m not going to kill you.”

“Are y’ sure?” Tommy mumbles, vision blurring. “Cuz’ cuz’ Te - Tec- Te-“ He stumbles over his words, frowning. What was his name again? “Tec- Techie? He uh, he said you wanna kill me.”

Willow looks amused and concerned all at once. “Techie?” He grins, “ Can’t believe Techno told you his name,” He murmurs before huffing, “I’m not gonna kill you. I was gonna arrest you.”

Tommy’s eyes widen, tears appearing, “M’ goin’ ta’ jail?”

Willow sighs, “I’ll let you off today,” He grumbles, reluctantly, averting his eyes from the teenager. “I still hate you. I’m gonna capture you. It’s just- just, you’re completely out of it or whatever.”

“M’ not goin’ ta’ jail?” Tommy’s bottom lip trembles.

Willow looks down at him for a split second before looking back up at the sky. “No. Stop crying holy shit. Close your eyes. Stop looking at me.”

Tommy frowns, clutching Clementine closer. “Why?”

“You’re - you’re, just stop. Take a nap or something, you look like shit,” Willow grumbles. 

“Promise you won’t kill me?” Tommy looks up at him, holding out his pinky.

Willow looks constipated. 

“You need a shit?” Tommy asks.

“What?”

“You look weird.”

“I’m fine.”

“Oh,” Tommy stares at him, pinky still in the air.

Willow sighs, “I’m holding you, I can’t do a pinky promise,” He grimaces at the words as he says them.

Tommy frowns, lowering his pinky. “Oh. What about a ritual?”

Willow almost stumbles over his feet. “What.”

“A ritual. Y’know? So I say,” Tommy pauses in thought, “I say, um, _I promise not to kill TommyInnit the really courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante._ Now you copy it.” 

Willow stares down at him. Tommy looks up at him expectantly. 

Willow sighs, “I promise, not to kill TommyInnit, the courageous-“

“Really courageous.”

“ _Reall_ _y_ courageous and athletic and charismatic-“

“No, you missed out handsome.”

Willow inhaled deeply, “ _Reall_ _y_ courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante.”

Tommy giggles, “That was so fuckin’ stupid big man. Can’t believe I made you say that.”

Willow stares down at him, expression of deep ire. “Fucking gremlin.”

Tommy just grins.

Slowly, he feels himself drift off to the steady sound of the hero’s footsteps, content in the knowledge that he’s safe.

  
  


_____

  
  


“Let me get this straight,” Tubbo pinches the bridge of his nose, “You lost him?”

Ranboo shifts nervously on his feet, “It appears so yes.”

Tubbo sighs, “Clementine is gone too?”

Ranboo nods.

“Okay, well he’s probably fine then,” Tubbo huffs, “Still need to find him though, the dick ran off _knowing_ he was sick.”

Ranboo nods again, “He didn’t even drink my soup.”

“Yeah about that,” Tubbo stares at Ranboo in bewilderment, “Why was there spaghetti in it?”

_____

  
  


“Wil? Why do you have a child?” Phil questions upon Wilbur’s entry.

Wilbur scowls, “I found him, in the woods. He’s sick.”

Phil frowns, worried as he goes over to see who Wilbur is holding. Phil stares down at the bundle in his arms and freezes.

“Isn’t that?”

Wilbur huffs, “Yes.”

“And you’re-“

“Not a _word._ Phil. Not a word.”

Phil raises his hands in surrender, a small amused grin on his face. “I ain’t saying anything mate.”

Wilbur glares at the man, “I hate the kid okay, shut up.”

“Not saying a thing Wil,” Phil laughs, “Why don’t you go put him in one of the bedrooms. Get a cloth too, he has a fever.”

Wilbur grunts in agreement about to step into the hallway only to be greeted by Techno.

Techno stares at him and then at the child, then back at him. Techno smirks.

“This isn’t the headquarters Wil.”

“I know that,” He grits out.

“You’re holding Tommy awfully gentle there,” Techno observes. “Not quite fitting for you arch nemesis is it?”

“Techno, shut up.”

“Hey, hey,” Techno grins, “I’m just surprised is all, that you haven’t murdered him. In fact,” Techno hums, “You brought him to our _penthouse_ , a top secret location. Even after you berated _me_ for bringing him to the lair. Kinda hypocritical if you ask-“

“ _Jump. Just jump out the window. Right now.”_

“Wil!” Phil calls out.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typos? in this economy? (pls tell)
> 
> ayup hello hi how are you guys???
> 
> how did u like delirious tommy? : D
> 
> honestly, i’m kinda emotional because i love you guys so much and the support is kinda overwhelming. we’re at 37000 hits which is crazy because last week we were at 27000. there’s almost 1000 comments which is insane to me. i never thought i’d ever get a fic that blew up like this. i used to dream about this kinda thing, so thank you all so so much for all the support, every comment, every kudo, every subscription and every bookmark - they all mean so much to me <33333
> 
> also, i’ve seen comments of people recommending or reading my fic with their siblings and friends and that is so cool i’m gonna cry wtf guys 
> 
> also pls no one spoil the last episode  
> of WandaVision, i haven’t watched it yet and twitter is so full of spoilers i’m scared
> 
> cult pog <3
> 
> (p.s. to that one person in the comments who keeps missing the discord link, when u comment i’ll give it to u lmao)
> 
> also quick UPDATE: um some people were asking where to send fanart - you can tag my user on twitter @bigbrainsimp. also i was thinking maybe we could use a #, like um???? #vigilantetommy? 
> 
> now here is some amazing fanart. honestly seeing art of my fic gives me so much serotonin  
> 
> 
> [really pog fanart](https://twitter.com/blgmantommy/status/1360112669953429510?s=21)


	8. I Lost My Bitchass Roommate Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philza Minecraft actually created Minecraft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is 4am and i am tiredt 
> 
> u mfs are probably really happy rn 
> 
> u weirdos

  
  


“Give me the fucking cloth.”

“No, I’m doin’ it.”

“ _No_ , I’m doing it - Phil tell him I’m doing it.”

“Boys.”

“You’re not even doin’ it right, just hand it over.”

“I swear to god, _give me the cloth.”_

“Wil, no.”

Tommy blinks his eyes open blearily. 

Where the fuck?

“Look what you’ve done-“

“What _I’ve_ done?”

Three blurry figures hover above him. 

Oh god. He’s gone and died hasn’t he? He’s in heaven.

“Stop using your abilities for stupid shit Wil.”

“I’m _not_. He’s just fucking annoying me.”

“Oh _I’m_ sorry for tellin’ you that can’t put a soaking wet cloth on the kid’s head.”

“Oh like you’re an expert. What are you? The cloth police?”

Maybe he’s in hell?

“Shut the fuck up,” Tommy croaks out, chest heaving. 

The figures become clearer as they all turn to stare down at him.

What is this? His day of judgement? 

Maybe he should have paid Fundy back that one time.

“Ello mate, how’re you feeling?” 

That voice. It’s very familiar. 

Tommy blinks once more and then squints.

Oh _fuck._

That is Philza. 

“Philza Minecraft,” He whispers reverently, sitting up hastily, gripping the covers beneath him as the world spins for a moment. 

The hero looks at him in confusion. “Minecraft?”

“Philza Minecraft,” Tommy repeats, seriously. 

“Um, okay,” The man nods, “Not really sure what that means. I am Philza yes.”

“You created Minecraft,” Tommy says. 

Philza stares at him, “Right.”

“Thank you,” He whispers, “You are the hero of people, a blessing to our nation, a frog in the setting sun. Philza Minecraft.”

The man reaches out and gently pats Tommy’s head. Tommy is never washing his hair again.

“I’m never washing my hair again,” He tells him.

Philza laughs, “Jesus, fuck, you’re really out of it kid.”

The Blade snorts beside the winged man, “No, that’s just him.”

Tommy looks at the blade hero, eyes wide. Oh wow. This - this is poggers. 

“Blade,” He says in awe.

The hero raises an eyebrow, “I told you to call me Techno.”

“Blade,” He repeats.

The Blade huffs, “Techno.”

“Blade?” Tommy questions.

“Techno.”

Tommy furrows his brows in concentration, “Te- Tec- Tech-“ The hero nods encouragingly. “Techie.”

Tommy watches as the man goes through like, ten difference expressions in a matter of seconds, ending in a look of constipation. 

“You need a shit too?” Tommy asks, so considerate as always.

“Don’t call me that,” Techie grimaces.

“Okay, Techie,” Tommy agrees.

“ _No,”_ Techie glares.

Tommy frowns, “Why?”

“That’s not my name.”

“Yeah it is,” Tommy decides.

“No that’s not how this works, my name is Techno.”

“Techie.”

“Techno.”

“Techie.”

_“Techno.”_

_“Techie,”_ Tommy giggles. 

“I won’t reply to anything but Techno,” Techie says.

Tommy frowns, “Techie.”

The man stays silent. 

Well that’s just fucking rude. 

“Techie,” He tries again.

Tommy feels his bottom lip tremble, “Te-Techie,” He warbles.

He watches the man’s eyes widen in… in fear? 

“Techie,” He repeats, tears springing to his eyes.

“Okay, okay,” Techie hastily puts his hands up, “Stop crying. Call me what you want.”

The tears do an uno reverse back into Tommy’s head. 

He giggles, “Techie, Techie, Techie.”

He watches Techie groan, placing a palm on his face in frustration. 

“Hey, hey Techie you - you got that sword? The poggers one? Can I play with it?” Tommy asks excitedly, squirming in the bed, ready to get out and be fucking awesome. 

He goes to stand up and almost immediately crumples to the ground if not for a pair of arms wrapping around his torso.

He frowns in confusion. 

Tommy glances up at his saviour and sees the Willow.

Oh _shit. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck this is so cool no it isn’t yes it is no it isn’t the Willow is holding you that’s kinda pog no no it’s not he’s going to die when did Willow get here was he here the whole time what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck he’s kinda hungry ew no ranboob’s soup what the fuck there was spaghetti why was there spag-_

“Oh my god it’s Willow,” Tommy cuts off his own internal monologue to gape up at the man. 

The man in question looks weird again. Why does he keep looking at him like that?

“Wilbur,” The man says.

Tommy lets out a noise of confusion, “Wha?”

“Call me Wilbur,” Willow says.

“Wil-Willo- Wil- Wilby,” He smiles up at the man.

“N- No,” Wilby hisses, “ _Wilbur, say it, say Wilbur.”_

Tommy giggles, “Wilby.”

“ _Say Wilbur,”_ Wilby insists.

“Wilby,” Tommy laughs.

Philza Minecraft lets out an amused huff, “Wil give it up, he’s null to your bullshit.”

Tommy watches as Wilby throws a fierce glare at Philza Minecraft.

Tommy is set back on the bed and tucked back under the covers. He squirms immediately, kicking out his legs.

“Ow _fuck! Stop kicking me,”_ Wilby orders. Tommy kicks him in the chest.

“You - you can’t contain me, I’m - I’m Tommy- Tommy,” He buffers, letting out a cough, “Tommy vigilante boy and I am a certi- certificated glock wielder.”

Techie snorts, watching in delight as Wilby struggles to detain him. 

He’s too powerful. Tommy’s pogness is off the charts right now.

“ _Just stay fucking still._ You’re literally sick, how do you have this much energy?” Wilby curses.

Tommy cackles, “I am - I am god.”

Philza Minecraft grins, “You heard the kid, he’s god Wil.”

“None of you guys are helping so _shut the fuck up,”_ Wilby seethes.

“Woah that’s like, rude big man,” Tommy frowns, disappointed. “When you speak you should think, is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? And better yet, is it kind?”

Wilby stares at him in a mixture of irritation and bewilderment, “Did you get that off Pinterest?”

Tommy shakes his head, “Tubbo made me recite it for an hour after I told a man that his dog was ugly.”

Wilby stares.

“He was _really_ ugly,” Tommy justifies, “And he bit me in the ankle.”

Wilby stares some more.

This is kinda awkward. 

Maybe.

Should it be awkward?

“Anyways,” Tommy drawls, “What brings you here?”

“This is my house.”

“Cool, cool, cool,” Tommy nods, “Nice. How’d I get here?”

“You tried to fight me and then you passed out.”

Tommy pauses, “You _napped_ me,” He whispers, aghast.

Wilby frowns, “I didn’t nap you.”

“Where’s _Clementine_ my beloved?”

Wilby sighs, leaning down to pick up a bottle off the floor. 

Tommy freezes. “That’s not her bottle,” He stares at the Coca Cola wrapping in disgust.

How could they have done this?

Wilby snorts, “Yeah, I know, that bottle was disgusting and filled with bits of cereal. What the fuck have you been doing to her?”

Tommy bristles, “Don’t - don’t question my parenting skills.”

Wilby rolls his eyes, chucking the bottle at him. 

Tommy cradles Clementine to his chest. He narrows his eyes at Wilby, “You - you need to leave me alone, I’m having a private discussion.”

“No chance.”

Tommy grumbles incoherently. No manners with this guy, honestly.

“ _Clementine,_ what’s the situation? Are we trapped? Have you figured out an escape route?” He whispers.

Clementine does a flip.

“That’s - that’s not good. _Clementine,_ we are in mortal danger.”

Clementine stares at him. 

“What? Wilby? No, I don’t like him. He’s stupid.”

Clementine blows a bubble.

“No that’s fucking stupid. I’m not even sick anymore.”

Clementine stares.

“I’m _not._ ”

“You sure about that Tommy?”

“Yes I’m sure, respect your father.”

“No.”

“ _Clementine_ , you’ve developed an attitude in this bottle. That’s unacceptable. I will downgrade you to an orange juice carton.”

“As if.”

“I _will.”_

“Are you done?” Wilby interrupts, staring between Tommy and his daughter in exasperation.

“You’ve cor- corrected - no,” That’s not the right word, “Cor- corrupted, you’ve corrupted my daughter.”

Wilby sighs, pinching his nose, “ _Shut the fuck up._ Can you do that? Is that even possible? Oh my _god_ , of all the people to resist my abilities, did it have to be _you?”_

Tommy nods, seriously, “Ayup.”

The hero throws his hands up in frustration, or deep agony. Tommy can’t really tell.

“Calm down, chill out big man, have a carrot or something,” Tommy placates, “Some bitches just be mad all time,” He rolls his eyes, before adding. “You’re bitches.”

Wilby stares at him, deep _deep_ hatred burning in his eyes. Or maybe it’s just tears. 

“Like you’re always mad, what’s your deal? I’m just straight vibin’,” Tommy shrugs.

“Straight vibing?”

Tommy nods, “Straight vibin’ big man.”

“I can’t do this, I can’t _do_ this,” Wilby starts to whisper. 

Tommy shares a worried glance with Clementine.

Jeez.

“You ever considered therapy Wilby?”

Wilby picks up a pillow and chucks it at him. “Be fucking quiet. I’m trying so hard to not murder you right now.”

“Not hard enough obviously,” Tommy snorts and then giggles, “Heh. That’s - that’s she said.”

Wilby frowns, “What, that - that doesn’t even make sense?”

“You’ve never had a woman say that’s she’s trying so hard not to murder you? Amateur,” Tommy sighs.

“Who _are_ you?” Wilby cries, head in hands.

“TommyInnit,” He chirps.

“Just go back to sleep,” Wilby pleads. 

“M’not tired. What if you murder me?”

Wilby sighs, “Didn’t I do that stupid ritual?”

Tommy giggles, “That was just to make you look fucking dumb.”

Wilby glares.

“Okay, okay. Let's do a pinky promise?” Tommy suggests excitedly, wriggling his pinky.

“You are such a _child_ ,” The man snorts.

Tommy frowns, lowering his pinky. “M’not a child,” He scowls, “Fine. No pinkies.”

Wilby stares at him. Tommy watches as he goes through a seemingly unpleasant thought process that ends with a defeated expression. 

Wilby shoves his pinky finger out towards him, eyes averted. “Come on, let’s just fucking do it.”

“Really?” Tommy questions, hope rising in his chest.

“I’m not going to ask again, hurry up,” The man grunts.

Tommy hastily raises his pinky, linking it quickly with the other. 

Wilby sighs, “I promise not to murder you.”

Tommy grins, happy, “That’s pog.”

Wilby turns to look at him, expression changing to something softer. “Shut up.”

“Hey, when are you gonna let them speak?” Tommy gestures to Techie and Philza Minecraft.

“Never.”

_____

“You’re looking after him awfully carefully, Wil,” Techno grins as he watches his twin settle the sleeping teenager into the bed.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying’, not very villain arc of you,” Techno hums.

Wilbur brushes some sweaty strands of hair out of Tommy’s face softly, “I hate him.”

Techno snorts, “You do? Really?”

“He’s the bane of my existence,” The man says as he fluffs up the pillows around the boy. 

“I’m sure,” Techno muses, “Absolutely despicable right?”

Wilbur nods as he combs his fingers through the boy’s hair, a small smile tugging at his lips when Tommy leans into his touch, “The worst. I’ll murder him.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Techno rolls his eyes,

“I hate him,” Wilbur insists.

“Yup, sure Wil.”

_____

  
  


Tommy is living his best life. It’s true.

To be honest, he has no idea where he is. But he has Clementine and the fucking best sword in existence. So things like location and safety aren’t a priority.

He swings out the sword with a whoosh. “Nyoom!” He says eloquently.

“I am TommyInnit and I have the _blade_ ,” He narrates, slashing and slicing up anything in his path. 

There’s no monsters or villains though, so he settles for cutting up the curtains and couches.

“ _Clementine,_ I am at full pog. One day you will reach this potential and be-“ He sneezes, “be cool like me.”

He lifts the sword to the ceiling. “I am harnessing the power of the gods! Pog beam!”

“What the hell are you doing?”

Tommy screams, spinning around to point the sword at Philza Minecraft.

“Oh,” He says, “Philza Minecraft, what are you doing here?”

The man in question is staring at him in something akin to wonder, “How did you get out of the bedroom?”

“I walked?”

“But I, I put up-“ The hero cuts himself off with a sigh, “I don’t know why I’m surprised. Where did you even get Techno’s sword?”

“Found it.”

“Where mate?”

Tommy shrugs. “I dunno. Where are we?”

Philza Minecraft looks at him in concern. The hero carefully nudges the sword aimed at him towards the floor and places a hand on Tommy’s forehead.

His palm feels so cool. Tommy melts into it. A hand snakes around his waist to stop him from falling.

“You’re still burning up mate, why can’t you just stay in bed?”

“Sword pog.”

Philza Minecraft snorts, looking at him with something weirdly soft in his eyes, “Sword pog,” He agrees.

Tommy grins.

“Alright, back to bed with you then,” The man declares, hoisting the boy over his shoulder. 

Tommy lets out a gasp as his world is tilted upside down. “No bed,” He whines.

“Ah ah,” The man tuts, “Not gonna work with me.”

Tommy pouts. Damn it.

Then he looks down at the wings on Philza Minecraft’s back and lets out a _manly_ squeal. Oh god Philza Minecraft is carrying him and he has wings.

This is awesome.

Tommy grasps at a bunch of feathers on the man’s wings, marvelling at the softness. 

“Wings,” He says reverently. 

Philza Minecraft is so majestic. The only man ever. 

“You’re the only man ever,” He tells him.

He feels the way the hero laughs, jostling them. “Thanks mate.”

“Philza Minecraft,” Tommy says just for the sake of saying it. 

“TommyInnit,” The man says back and Tommy can hear the smile in his voice. He giggles.

  
  


_____

  
  


“Tommy, can you let me go mate?” 

Tommy tightens his fingers on the feathers. “You are a hostage.”

Philza Minecraft sighs. “That’s great mate, now let me go.”

Tommy shakes his head. “Stay.”

“No I’ve got to get your medicin-“

“Stay.”

Philza Minecraft stares at him, “Mate-“

“Stay.”

“I’ll come back I-“

“Stay.”

“Okay, fuck,” The man sighs, slumping back against the bed.

Tommy snuggles further against him, hands still attached to the wings. 

“Bird.”

The hero huffs, “Not a bird.”

“Birdza.”

The man chuckles, “You’re so out of it.”

“Birdza.”

“Okay mate.”

____

  
  


“Fucking open your mouth.”

Tommy clamps his jaw shut. 

There is no way in hell that he’s drinking that shit. 

“I swear to god, it doesn’t even taste bad,” Wilby tries to persuade.

Does Tommy look gullible? Does he?

Wilby stares at him, eyes narrowed. “Your hoodie is fucking ugly.”

Tommy gasps, deeply offended, “How-“

The hero shoves the spoonful into his mouth. 

It’s vile. Disgusting. Horrific. Absolutely terrible… it tastes pretty good. Cherry flavoured.

This is unacceptable. He will not accept this L.

He spits it back out into the man’s face.

“ _Motherfucker!”_

_____

  
  


“No, no way,” Tommy scoots further up the bed. “Uh uh,” He shakes his head rapidly.

“It’s just soup,” Techie drawls.

“You don’t understand what soup has done to me.”

“It’s soup,” Techie says, deadpan.

Tommy hesitates, “I have trauma.”

Techie lowers the bowl, “Really? I don’t like, actually want to traumatise you.”

Tommy sniffs, tears prickling at his eyes, “Sorry, it’s just, I’m being dramatic.”

The hero sits down on the bed, “Tell me about it.” 

Tommy heaves in a shaky breath, “Sorry, this is really hard for me to say,” He whispers, wiping at his tears, “It almost feels like yesterday,” He shudders, “When I was forced to drink soup,” He pauses, “With spaghetti in it.”

The man stares at him. He stares for a long time. 

He shoves the bowl into Tommy’s lap. “Drink the soup.”

It turns out to be pretty good.

____

Ranboo shivers. 

Tubbo glances at him in confusion, “You alright?”

He nods, “Yeah, just felt like someone was slandering me.”

Tubbo hums, “Huh, that’s nice.”

Ranboo frowns, “It’s actually not, funnily enough.”

Tubbo pats his back in condolence. “Come on, help me hang up more posters.” The shorter boy shoves a bunch of papers into his arms.

Ranboo looks down at the posters sceptically, “Are you sure these will work?”

Tubbo stares at him, “Yeah, why not?”

Ranboo squints, lifting a poster to read it, “I dunno, something about it saying ‘I lost my bitchass roommate again. He’s annoying as fuck and keeps running away but I still love him. Plus, I already bought him shit and I don’t want to return stuff. Please bring him back, his name is TommyInnit. He probably won’t respond to it cuz’ he’s a little shit though.’ Is a bit… “ Ranboo trails off, not sure how to word it. “Unprofessional?” He tries. 

Tubbo shrugs, “I think it’s appropriate for him, now start sticking them to those trees over there.”

_____ 

  
  


“Wilby I’m bored.”

Wilby grunts from his position beside him.

“Wilby.”

“What?” 

“I’m bored.”

The hero groans, “Go to _sleep._ ”

“Let’s play a game.”

“No.”

“It will be fun, I promise,” Tommy smiles, “Right _Clementine?”_ He turns to his daughter, who does a backflip. “See? _Clementine_ agrees.”

Wilby sighs. He’s got that QDE™️ look. “Okay,” He agrees.

Tommy grins, “Okay, you just have to guess what I’m saying.”

“Alright?” Wilby nods, looking lost.

“Okay, starting now,” Tommy announces before speaking, “?????”

Wilby stares at him. “What the fuck.”

“No that’s not it, try again,” Tommy shakes his head, “?????”

“How are you doing that?” Wilby whispers, eyes wide.

Tommy frowns, “That’s still not right. Are you even trying?” He pouts, “???????”

“What the _fuck.”_

“You’ve said that one already,” Tommy sighs. This game isn’t that fun. “The word was Pogness.”

“How- how did you? Am I the only one? How is that even possible?” Wilby whispers in disbelief.

This guy has serious issues.

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about, but there are five stages to grief and they don’t always happen in order,” Tommy soothes, patting the man’s back. “You’re going to be okay Wilby.”

“What the _fuck_.”

_____

  
  


Tommy wakes up with a mild headache and severe embarrassment.

“Oh _fuck,”_ He whispers to himself. Technoblade is resting at the end of the bed, sleeping.

This is terrible. Truly.

He looks down at Clementine. “We never speak of this. I did _not_ call the Willow, _Wilby_ . I also never said _Techie_ or _Birdza_ ,” He shudders.

Truly a humiliating day for TommyInnit.

“Now _Clementine,_ we were never here,” He tells her, stealthily escaping the bed and diving out the window.

_____

  
  


Tommy unlocks the apartment door with a sigh. 

“Tommy?”

Oh fuck. Fuck, shit, fuck, more shit. 

“Yeah?”

Tubbo pops his head out from the kitchen to smile at him, “Nice of you to show up.”

“Haha, yeah,” Tommy nods, “Good to see you big man.”

“I suggest you put Clementine down,” Tubbo advises with a smile.

Tommy sighs, placing Clementine on the floor as he prepares for his defenestration. 

  
  


_____

  
  


“Techno! Techno wake the fuck up!” Wilbur hisses. 

Phil is worriedly looking out the window.

“ _Wake up.”_

Techno startles into awareness, eyes blearily looking up at his twin. “Bruh, I was sleepin.”

“Where’s Tommy?” Wilbur seethes.

Techno opens his mouth, finger raised only to lower it as he glances over at the empty bed. “He was here.”

“How the fuck did you miss him _escaping?”_ Wilbur throws his hands up.

Techno shrugs, “Sleepin.”

Wilbur glares at him, “Yeah, well you can go and sleep outside. _Do a backflip out the window.”_

Phil narrowly moves out of way to avoid Techno as he shoots out into the open air.

He sighs.

“Wil… “

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was there a typo? idk sounds a bit sus (pls tell)
> 
> heyyyyy guys, so like i know how i said i wasn’t gonna update till the weekend but here LISTEN 
> 
> i have nothing actually (wave my beloved i am going to bed now i promise)
> 
> this fic keeps reaching new milestones and it’s crazy, we’re at 1100 comments, you guys are amazing. almost 47000 hits and 900 bookmarks. i love you guys. 
> 
> also hello to those from twitter :D it feels so cool to see u guys talking about this fic on there
> 
> anyways yh idk what else to say, it’s like 4am and my brain is slowly dying 
> 
> haha lets all get married /j 
> 
> unless??
> 
> ok i’m sorry 
> 
> cult pog <3
> 
> okay here’s some amazing fanart 
> 
> if u want to send in fanart or just talk about the fic u can use the hashtag #vigilantetommy or just tag me @bigbrainsimp :)))) feel free to dm  
> about anything <333
> 
> [techno and tommy fanart that’s so pog](https://twitter.com/timx_stuff/status/1364059071767146498?s=21)


	9. Sir This Is A McDonald’s Drive-Thru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can i get uhhhhhhh chicken tenders???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys are all massive simps lmao
> 
> imagine simping for a crack fic  
> couldn’t be me
> 
> also TW: there is a dart gun scene which starts at “Tommy watches him out of the corner of his eye...” and ends at the end of the scene
> 
> enjoy

TommyInnit, the best vigilante in the existence of vigilantes, is grounded.

Yeah, soak it up. Laugh. 

It’s truly upsetting. 

He huffs, wiping the back of his hand against his forehead, before returning to wiping down the sink.

It’s unfair, really. You run away for a day or two while sick and suddenly you’re grounded for two weeks and stuck on bathroom duty. 

“This shit is so fucking stupid,” He scowls to Clementine who watches him from her position on the bathroom windowsill.

Clementine stares.

“No, I don’t fucking deserve this. I did nothing wrong,” He justifies.

Clementine does a flip.

“No, no. We don’t talk about what happened. Nothing happened. I don’t even know what you are talking about, like I honestly have no idea what you are about. I don’t even know what heroes are. Who are heroes? That’s crazy, never heard of them. Do they even exist? That’s crazy. _Clementine_ shut the fuck _up,”_ He groans, shuddering as he relives the embarrassment of a lifetime.

Clementine stares.

“Have mercy on your father, you’ve become so rebellious these days. I bet it’s that fucking bottle,” He glares, “The second we are ungrounded, I’m getting rid of that shit. Sprite bottle supremacy.”

Clementine swims around in a circle.

“I’ll drown you,” Tommy threatens. Clementine stares. “I will. I’ll put you in the toilet. You wanna go down the toilet _Clementine?_ I did a big shit in there like an hour ago. You wanna go down there?”

“Tommy, stop threatening the fish and clean please,” Tubbo calls out tiredly as he peeks into the bathroom. 

“I _am_ ,” Tommy huffs, scrubbing extra hard for no reason. “See? Squeaky fucking clean.”

Tubbo raises an eyebrow.

“You know what I don’t understand?” Tommy starts, crossing his arms.

Tubbo sighs, “What?”

“Why the fuck is that slenderman living here without doing manual labor? Why isn’t he making me breakfast and worshipping the very ground I walk on for letting him into my humble abode? It’s disgraceful,” He sniffs.

Tubbo stares, disinterested. “I invited Ranboo here actually, and he does make breakfast - just not for you.”

Tommy narrows his eyes, “He makes breakfast for you?”

“Yes.”

Tommy pauses, eyeing Tubbo in concern. “Does… “ He trails off, not sure how to breach the subject. He needs to be compassionate, this is a sensitive topic. Tommy bites his lip in thought. 

Tubbo stares at him in question, “What?”

Tommy inhales deeply before sighing, “Tubbo,” He says softly, eyes gentle. “I know this is probably difficult for you to answer… but,” He pauses again, closing his eyes, “Does he put spaghetti in it?”

Tubbo sighs

“He puts spaghetti in everything.”

_____

  
  


“Move.”

“I’ve already moved.”

“Move more.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes,” Tommy scowls, “You can.”

Ranboob stares back at him, frowning. 

“If I move anymore I’ll fall off,” The beanstalk complains.

Tommy stares. “Ok?”

“I’m not moving.” 

Tommy doesn’t like this confidence. This slenderman looking bitch is getting too comfortable in his house. 

“Fine,” Tommy shrugs.

Ranboob nods, turning back to the television.

Tommy watches him out of the corner of his eye, slyly sticking his hand in his hoodie.

He pulls out his gun, armed and ready, and shoots the bitch right in the side.

Ranboob screams, falling off the couch.

“Tommy!” Tubbo shouts from the kitchen.

_____

  
  


“Stop shooting him or I’m confiscating every gun you own,” Tubbo warns.

Tommy scowls, eyes averted. “I don’t know why he’s still crying.”

“ _Tommy.”_

“Okay, okay,” He rolls his eyes. “I won’t shoot him for a while. Imagine being that weak. It’s just a dart.”

“Not everyone has some weird fucking main character plot armour you dick,” Tubbo slaps him upside the head.

Tommy frowns, “What?”

Tubbo stares, “What?”

Tommy squints, “...Nothing.”

“Okay anyways, there’s some pasta in the fridge for lunch.”

Tommy groans, “Is that all we eat? Is this our lives now? It’s all that fucking bitch boy’s fault. I’m sick and tired of pasta. Not poggers.”

“Tommy you’d eat those birthday cake breakfast bars for every meal, every day, if I let you.”

“And?” Tommy frowns, confused. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Have you read the label? ‘Energy for the whole day, the only snack you need.’”

Tubbo shakes his head, “There’s no saving you.”

Tommy furrows his brows, offended. “I am not in need of saving. In fact, I'm the opposite. I do the saving. I am the saver. The saver of savers. I save those who need saving. Saving is my career.”

“Yeah, I’m leaving,” Tubbo says, walking out of the bedroom. 

____

  
  


“ _Clementine,_ I’m not having this argument again,” Tommy scowls.

Clementine stares up at him before turning away.

“This attitude is unacceptable. Ever since you’ve been in this fucking bottle you’ve turned into a heathen,” He sighs, head in hands.

“No _Clementine,_ that is a bad idea. Why do you only have bad ideas? Are you trying to intentionally sabotage me? Are you trying to sabotage your father?” 

Clementine blows a bubble.

Tommy gasps, hand on heart. “How _dare_ you? I - I can’t believe you would say that.”

Clementine does a twirl.

Tommy holds up his palm, “I don’t want to hear it.”

Clementine opens her mouth. 

“ _No,”_ Tommy starts, “Don’t even,” He threatens.

She blows a bubble.

“ _Clementine!”_ He cries, outraged. “I will leave you here.”

Clementine stares. 

Tommy smirks, smug, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Listen, we’re going whether you want to or not. I’m sick of fucking pasta. I’m going to eat real food.”

Tommy shuffles his feet into his trainers, tapping them against the floor to activate them.

He braces himself, knees bending before he launches out of the window and into the night.

It’s time to eat a refreshing, healthy, balanced meal.

_____

“Welcome to McDonald’s may I take your order?”

Tommy hums, “Yeah uh, can I get… “ He trails off, looking at the menu. “A Mcflurry and a large fries.”

“Yes, is that all?”

Tommy pauses, glancing down at Clementine. “A sprite please. But like the big bottle.”

“We don’t sell those sorry.”

“You do,” Tommy decides.

“...What?”

“You have those bottles, I know you do,” Tommy says.

“Sir, I’m sorry we don’t.”

He rolls his eyes. “Okay, lie to my face then. I know you have it. You fuckin-“

A loud beep cuts him off.

Tommy scowls, turning to the car behind him. “Can you be fucking quiet? I’m trying to order a meal here, you bitch!” He shouts.

There’s more beeping. These people have no manners. Disgraceful.

A man rolls down his car window to glare at him, “Get the fuck out of the way!”

“I’m ordering my fucking meal!” Tommy screams back.

“This is a drive through!”

Tommy raises an eyebrow. “Okayyy?” He drawls, zero fucks given. 

“You don’t even have a fucking car!”

That’s just hurtful.

“I haven’t passed my drivers license you dick!” Tommy gives him the middle finger.

“You can’t be here, you’re meant to order inside you idiot!”

“And you’re meant to shut the fuck up, but neither of us are listening huh?” Tommy retorts, scowling. 

“Get out of the fucking road kid!”

“Or what?!” Tommy screams. “This is a free country and I will stand where I want! And I want to stand here!”

Tommy is such an inspiration. God, he’s such an icon. Clementine better be taking notes. 

He turns back to the McDonald’s drive-thru feed. “Yeah, so I’ll take a Mcflurry, large fries, that fucking sprite bottle and a sixty nine nugget meal.”

“Sir, this is a Mcdonald’s drive-thru.”

_____

Tommy would like to announce that none of this is his fault.

He tilts his head back against the wall, narrowing his eyes at the officer through the bars. 

A young man is crying, head in hands while the officer talks to him.

“He just kept asking for sixty nine nuggets!” The man cries, tears eyed and frantic, “We - we don’t _sell_ sixty nine nuggets. No one does!”

Tommy rolls his eyes. He’s surrounded by crybabies. 

“Right,” The officer nods, writing something down. “Anything else?”

“He started threatening my _family._ He started speaking but I couldn’t understand him and I think he was cursing me,” The man trembles, glancing at Tommy fearfully before quickly looking away.

The officer narrows his eyes at the teenager. 

Tommy shrugs. “No idea what he’s on about.”

“You _liar!”_ The man sobs, eyes crazed. 

Yeeeeesh. Yikes. Yoinks.

Tommy sucks in a breath through his teeth, “He’s clearly got issues,” Tommy tells the officer. “Take him to therapy,” He advices.

The officer sighs, “Someone needs to bail you out, you got someone to call?”

Tommy hisses. There’s no way he’s calling Tubbo. He’s not self-sabotaging. He has self preservation. He’s responsible.

“No,” Tommy says.

The officer sighs again, “Great, you’re what? An orphan and a delinquent?”

That’s just rude. So rude.

Tommy scowls, “And you’re what? Fat _and_ old?”

The officer glares. “Guess you’re sleeping here tonight,” He sneers.

Tommy rolls his eyes, “Yeah, yeah. This ain’t my first rodeo, you can leave me here and go cheat on your wife or something.”

“Watch your mouth kid.”

“Watch your diet.”

Okay, that was rude and uncalled for. Tommy sighs, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. Weight doesn’t affect your ability to be a pog person, everyone’s bodies are cool. You’re just a dick.” He apologies with a thumbs up.

The officer huffs, “Thanks, I guess.”

Tommy shrugs, “It’s alright. Sorry about the wife thing.”

The officer waves him off, “It’s cool. Sorry about the orphan thing.”

“It’s fine big man, parents are overrated anyways.”

The officer laughs, “Yeah sure kid. Listen,” He sighs, “I’ll let you off this time. Don’t go harassing McDonald workers anymore you hear?”

Tommy salutes, “Loud and clear.”

The officer unlocks the chain around the bars. “Go on kid, get outta here.”

“You’re cool for a person who listens to the government,” Tommy tells him as he leaves.

“You’re just letting him go?!” The McDonald’s worker sobs.

Tommy stares at the guy. 

The man freezes in fear.

Tommy grins, “Yep, he’s just letting me go.”

Well that was easy.

____

Nothing is easy.

Tommy is on the run. From the _Willow._

This is not poggers.

He pants as he jumps from building to building, Clementine‘s bottle sloshing around.

“Tommy get back here!”

Why would he do that??? He likes living.

“I am going to have to respectfully decline,” He shouts, “Thanks for the suggestion though.”

“Not a suggestion,” Willow growls, “It was a fucking order you brat.”

Tommy is maybe, slightly, just a tiny bit scared.

“It sounded like a suggestion to me!” He retorts, stumbling momentarily.

Jesus. He hasn’t exercised in a while. 

“Stop being difficult!”

“I don’t know how to do that!” Tommy quips, bracing his feet to launch off onto the next building. 

He bends his knees and jumps. 

He should lose Willow after this. The man can’t possibly catch up. Right?

Tommy realizes midair that he didn’t put enough momentum behind the jump, already exhausted.

He inhales sharply, fingers stretching out to grasp the edge of the building. 

Only to miss.

Tommy gasps as his fingers clench around nothing. His stomach drops as he plummets.

Shit, shit, shit.

His hand tightens around Clementine, eyes squeezed shut.

He inhales sharply, chest heaving as his body impacts with something firm. 

Oh god. He just died. Oh god, he’s _dead_.

“Why’re you so fucking reckless?” Willow’s voice is tight.

Tommy opens his eyes abruptly, “What the fuck?” He croaks.

“Can you stop trying to kill yourself?” The man glares down at him, hands tightening around him.

Tommy squirms in the cradle hold, “I thought you’d like that,” He scowls, “Seeing as you’re trying to kill me.”

The man frowns, “I’m not trying to kill you, you gremlin.” 

Tommy squirms more, “Let me down you dick.”

Willow sets him down on the ground, a hand wrapped firmly around his wrist.

“Can you stop trying to fucking escape for five minutes?”

“What? So you can kill me?”

Willow sighs, raising his palm.

Tommy flinches. Oh god Willow is going to torture him. Oh god, he should have never antagonized the man.

He lets out a confused noise when he feels a hand pressed against his forehead.

“You’re not burning up anymore,” The hero sighs, eyes softened. Tommy frowns. 

What the fuck?

“Why aren’t you hurting me or something?” He tilts his head in bewilderment.

“I pinky promised, remember?” Willow rolls his eyes.

“You what?” Tommy gapes.

Willow stares, “You made me pinky promise.”

A flush climbs it’s way up Tommy’s neck and reaches his ears.

For fucksake. This is humiliating.

“I - I,” Tommy stutters, averting his eyes. “I didn’t do that.”

Willow smirks, “You did. You even started to cry.”

Tommy wants the sweet release of death. 

“Shut _up_ ,” He scowls, “I did not cry you dickhead.”

“You did,” Willow sings, “And you called me _Wilby.”_

Tommy clamps a hand around his ear. “La la la, I can’t fucking hear the shit coming out your mouth.”

“Aw Tommy, do you want to call me Wilby again?” Willow laughs.

“La la la,” He shouts. 

“No need to be embarrassed, I already know you’re just a baby,” The hero teases.

“Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off,” Tommy chants. Maybe if he repeats it enough times he will cease to exist.

He preferred it when the guy was trying to kill him.

“You’re a dick Willow, did you know that?” He glares.

Willow just smiles, “Call me Wilbur, gremlin.”

“Not a gremlin,” He scowls.

“Uh huh, sure,” Wilbur hums. “Anyways, I’m taking you with me.”

“You’re kidnapping me?”

Wilbur shrugs, “I guess.”

“That’s illegal.”

“You’re illegal.”

Touché.

“Can I at least get something to eat?” 

____

“He’s not allowed here!” The worker cries, traumatised, “He’s not allowed here!”

Wilbur looks between Tommy and the guy. Tommy shrugs.

“Dunno what he’s on about, never been here in my life,” He says.

Wilbur narrows his eyes, “Right, well what do you want to eat then?”

“Mcflurry, large fries, big sprite bottle and sixty nine nuggets.”

Wilbur nods, “That’s all thanks.”

A tear trickles down the worker’s face, “We- we don’t sell sixty nine nuggets, _or_ a large sprite bottle.”

Wilbur smiles, “Let me rephrase, _get me a Mcflurry, large fries, large sprite bottle and sixty nine nuggets.”_

_______

  
  


When Tommy steps into the penthouse, he can’t help but stare at everything. 

It’s pogchamp to be put simply. So many weapons.

He beelines straight for Technoblade’s sword with a grin. “ _Clementine,_ this is epic.”

He swings the sword around. 

“Wilbur managed to find you then?” 

Tommy screams, jumping. He turns around to see Technoblade.

“Oh, hello Technoblade. Nice to see you,” He coughs awkwardly.

The man raises an eyebrow before looking down at the sword, “Having fun with that?”

Tommy flushes, “Ah yes, very pog.”

“Maybe next time don’t run off when you’re sick and you can play with it for longer,” Technoblade says as he plucks the weapon from the boy’s hands.

Tommy lets out a noise of protest as his beloved sword is taken away. Stolen. This is truly a bad day for the TommyInnit community. 

“I’m sorry for escaping,” He says, eyes wide. 

Technoblade stares.

“I’m _kinda_ sorry for escaping,” He amends. 

Technoblade continues to stare.

Tommy rolls his eyes. “I’m not sorry for escaping.”

Technoblade nods, “Yeah, I already knew that.”

The door opens and in walks the most majestic person in existence. 

_Philza._

_“Philza,”_ Tommy says in awe. 

“Oh Tommy, good to see you mate,” The man smiles, “After you escaped,” He adds with a sinister look. 

Tommy cowers. 

Philza is a scary man.

“Ah yes, you see. I was feeling better and well, you know, it was time for me to leave,” He laughs nervously.

Philza hums, “Of course, I forgive you mate,” He says in a voice which very much says he _doesn’t._

Tommy gulps. “Sorry, Philza.”

The hero’s eyes soften, “It’s okay, you just scared us is all. We were worried.”

Tommy frowns, “You were worried?”

Philza smiles, with a bit confusion. “Of course we were.”

“Even him?” He nudges his head towards Technoblade who is averting his eyes.

“Yes, even Tech.”

“Wilbur was the most worried,” Technoblade retorts, “He was so _sad._ Started throwin’ a fit and shoutin’ at everyone.”

Wilbur appears at the door, eyes murderous. “Techno shut the fuck up.

Technoblade smirks, “What? It’s true, you were on a rampage-“

“ _Out the window. Get out.”_

Tommy watches in amazement as the blade hero turns around and takes a running start out the window, diving out into the night.

“Woah, Tubbo does that to me!”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a typo? in my nugget meal? no way. (pls tell)
> 
> there’s probably loads of typos cuz i posted this from my phone without editing lmao
> 
> hey guys. jesus there are a lot more of you now lmao. you guys are crazy, making this crack fic popular. 
> 
> thank you so much for all the comments and bookmarks and subscriptions and hits. you guys are so pog we are on like 65000 hits and 1300 comments, that’s insane. thank you so much, i love you guys.
> 
> i’ve made so many new friends through this fic, you are all so swag. 
> 
> cult pog <3
> 
> my twitter is @bigbrainsimp - this is where u can send fanart or just talk with me :) 
> 
> now fanart! 
> 
> you can use the hashtag #vigilantetommy or just @ me if u do any fanart for me, i’ve received so many wonderful pieces of art in the past week. i love doing shoutouts because there are so many amazing artists who are so underrated :D
> 
> [really pog fanart](https://twitter.com/ghostbandaids/status/1365825509041598465?s=21)


	10. Defenestration Bros™️

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh yuh defenestration bros yuh-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello simps 
> 
> i wrote half of this at 1am and the rest in school instead of doing my eng hw so i think that explains me as a person
> 
> no TWs i think
> 
> enjoy

“So, Tommy, tell us about you,” Philza smiles from across the dinner table.

Oh god. Tommy sweats. This is not good. 

“Well,” He starts with a nervous laugh. 

He needs to come across as professional, mature and intellectual. 

Tommy slyly averts his eyes to Clementine for help. She stares at him. 

“Well, um,” He stalls, stabbing a carrot. “I… “

Come on, come on. He just needs to say something normal. 

He’s TommyInnit. He’s got this in the bag. 

“I’m a criminal.”

Technoblade snorts while Wilbur chokes on his glass of water. 

Philza barks out a laugh, “We’ve gathered that, thanks though.”

Tommy shoves the carrot in his mouth, face burning. 

This isn’t going well

This is going terrible in fact.

“You got any other hobbies?” The winged hero questions, before adding, “Besides the illegal activities.”

If he speaks, he’s in trouble. 

Tommy hums, nodding. 

Silence overtakes the table. 

Technoblade coughs, “Are you going to tell us?”

Tommy shakes his head.

“Tommy, mate, we’re not gonna bite your head off,” Philza tries to soothe.

The teenager glances nervously over at Wilbur, who raises an eyebrow, playing innocent.

“We’re not going to bite your head off  _ anymore,”  _ Philza amends, giving a look to Wilbur.

Tommy is in doubt. 

“How about your fish? Tell us about her?” Philza tries again. 

“ _ Clementine,”  _ Tommy corrects, placing his fork down. “She is a blessing, granted from the gods. I found her in a pond and adopted her. She is my daughter, and she is one of the greatest beings in existence. I tried to get her a tank but then I walked in on a robbery and nearly died. Then I found a sprite bottle and it was perfect - so that was where she resided until  _ someone _ decided to throw it away. But it’s fine now because she has a new one.  _ Clementine  _ did have a shrine at one point but it was burnt down,  _ not _ by me.”

Tommy finishes speaking only to find everyone staring at him in varying degrees of bewilderment and interest. He clears his throat awkwardly.

“I’m going to eat now,” He announces, shoving a potato into his mouth. 

“So, Clementine huh? That’s a nice name,” Philza says, eyes oddly soft. Tommy shifts in his seat, nodding as he chews.

“How the fuck did you get her a shrine?” Wilbur stares at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“I was manager of Manifold Inc.”

“The company that makes the shitty cereal?” Techno tilts his head.

Tommy nods, “Yeah it’s so fucking bad, I think they put cocaine in it.”

“How the  _ fuck _ did you become manager? You’re sixteen, that’s not even legal,” Wilbur questions, eyes wide.

Tommy shrugs, “I’m mature,” He justifies, “And professional.”

They all stare at him in disbelief.

That’s rude.

“I  _ am, _ ” He scowls, “Jack saw the charisma and talent and handsomeness and knew I was perfect for the role.”

“How did the building burn down?” Philza asks, mouth twitching in amusement.

Tommy pauses, “I don’t know. But it wasn’t me.”

Philza huffs, smiling, “Course not. You are very mature, and professional.”

Tommy grins, “That is true.”

God, this is a good day for the TommyInnit community. He just got called mature and professional by the best man in existence.

“Philza, you are very cool,” He admits sincerely. 

The hero smiles softly, “Thanks mate.”

Wilbur huffs, rolling his eyes. 

Technoblade smirks, “What? You jealous Wil?”

Wilbur bristles, cheeks turning an angry red. “No-“

“You  _ seem _ like you are,” Technoblade teases.

“ _ Jump-“ _

“Ah ah! Not at the dinner table, in front of our guest,” Philza chimes in quickly, sending a swift glare to the twins.

Tommy shrugs, “It’s cool. Sometimes I get defenestrated at dinner.”

Philza squints, “Do you get defenestrated often?”

Tommy hums in thought, waving his hand in a so-so motion, “Fairly regularly, depends on what I’ve done in a week.”

“Tommy that’s - that’s extremely concerning kid,” The winged hero frowns.

Tommy raises an eyebrow in confusion, “Not really, just some regular old defenestration. You know how it is.”

“I actually don’t, oddly enough,” Philza clarifies.

Tommy shrugs, “Well, I’m sure  _ he  _ knows how it is,” He tilts his head towards Technoblade.

Technoblade nods, “He’s right. I do.”

Tommy gives Philza a ‘told-you-so’ look before turning back to the sword hero. “Can we start a club?”

Technoblade snorts, “No.”

“It’ll be fun,” Tommy insists. “Absolute poggers.”

“Those words imply the exact opposite.”

“No, no. It will be so pog. We can - we can be like the defenestration bros,” Tommy grins. God, he’s such a genius. His brain is so big. “Defenestration bros. The slogan can be like,” He deepens his voice, “Got thrown out a window? Me too. We are Defenestration Bros. All capitalized.” 

Techno stares at him. 

In fact, everyone is staring at him. 

“What?” Tommy frowns, “Come on, that was such a good fucking slogan. Defenestration Bros, here to save the day after falling from tall heights. We could - we could have like, a movie made about us Technoblade.”

Wilbur snickers, sending an amused look to the teenager, “Technoblade?”

Tommy crosses his arms, “Yes? That’s his name?”

“His name is Techno.”

“...Blade,” Tommy corrects.

“No, Techno.”

“Blade. Technoblade,” Tommy insists. 

“God, I’m having déjà vu,” Philza laughs. 

“Technoblade is his legal name,” Tommy decides. 

“...What the fuck? That’s so incredibly false,” Wilbur whispers in bewilderment. 

“His name can’t be Techno. That’s weird. Not poggers,” He justifies.

“I still don’t like the way you use that word,” Techno chimes in.

“And Technoblade is not the weirdest fucking name? Who has blade in their name? Do you know how much he would have been bullied in school?” Wilbur throws his hands up.

“Techno is so much weirder. Because like, it could be short for Technology and that’s just weirdchamp. Technoblade is a beautiful name, badass and terrifying.”

Wilbur stares at him. “Yeah, I’m done with this conversation.”

“So you’ve given up and admitted defeat,” Tommy nods.

“That’s not at all what I said.”

“You did.”

_____

“Hi, uh, Tubbo?” Ranboo bites his lip, holding the phone to his ear.

“Yes dear?”

Ranboo huffs a laugh before remembering why he called, “So, um, basically, basically, you know Tommy?”

“No. I don’t actually.”

“Ok sorry, yeah, so Tommy, he uh, hmm,” He stalls, “He kind of, escaped,” He confesses before adding, “Again.”

He hears Tubbo sigh on the line.

“Get the posters back out.”

_____

“Can I have your sword back?” 

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“The sword  _ needs  _ me.”

“Doubt it.”

Tommy glares, “I will escape again.”

Technoblade hooks his fingers around the collar of his hoodie. “No, you won’t.”

Tommy smirks, “You wanna bet?”

_____

  
  


Philza walks into the living room, carrying a tray of milkshakes, Wilbur in tow. “Hey boys, we’re ba- Tommy why do you have Techno’s sword?”

Tommy grins, brandishing the weapon and doing an epic spin with the handle. “I am glock wielder supreme.”

Philza turns to Technoblade, disappoint clear in his expression, “Tech, we left for  _ ten _ minutes. You couldn’t keep a fucking murder weapon away from him?”

Technoblade looks up tiredly at him from his position on the couch, “Never make me babysit again,” He glares.

Wilbur smirks, “What? Were you no match for a  _ child  _ Techie?”

“Not a fucking child!” Tommy screeches.

“You don’t know what happened,” Technoblade stares, eyes full of despair. “He is not someone who can be tamed.”

“Pog beam!” Tommy shouts, thrusting the sword into the air. “ _ Clementine  _ did you see that? That was poggers.”

This is such a fucking epic day for the TommyInnit community. He’s totally stealing this.

_____

  
  


Tommy sips his milkshake. Cookies and cream. So pog. 

He glances over at Wilbur. He’s got mint chocolate chip. Tommy needs to try it. He won’t be able to live a complete life without trying it. He will actually die. 

He stares at the man. 

Then he stares some more.

Wilbur finally glances over at him, eyes immediately narrowing. “No.”

“What?” Tommy widens his eyes, “I didn’t say anything big man.”

“You’re not having any.”

“Any of what?” Tommy tilts his head.

“My milkshake,” Wilbur glares at him. 

“You wanna give me your milkshake?” Tommy grins.

“That’s not what I said.”

“I mean, if you insist,” Tommy shrugs, reaching over to grab the drink.

Wilbur quickly lifts his arm, dangly it over the boy. “You’re just not listening to anything I say. Down gremlin.”

“You want to give me your milkshake so bad? That’s crazy,” Tommy says, leaning over the man to try and grab the drink.

“Tommy, no.”

“Tommy, yes.”

“Tommy,  _ no.” _

“Wil, just give him a sip,” Philza sighs. Thank god for Philza, the only man ever.

“Listen to him, he speaks the language of the gods,” Tommy nods, “Philza is so smart.”

“Shut the fuck up, you’re actually so annoying,” Wilbur glares.

It’s time for a  _ Pro Gamer Move™️. _

Tommy huffs, falling back into his seat dejectedly. “Fine,” He sighs, “I didn’t want some anyways.”

Wilbur stares at him before huffing, “Good, I wasn’t going to give you any.”

Tommy crosses his arms, sipping his own milkshake sadly. “Fine. I don’t care.”

“Fine,” Wilbur grunts back.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

_ Fin-“ _

“Oh my fucking god,  _ here _ take it you fucking gremlin,” Wilbur grits out, eyes averted as he shoves the drink into Tommy’s hands.

Tommy grins, “Wow, you didn’t have to.”

He’s so fucking smart. So big brained. Pogness is off the charts.

He takes a sip of his victory.

“Oh that’s fucking disgusting!”

_____

  
  


“So, how about a game of Uno?” Philza suggests. Ugh he’s such a legend.

“Yes, Philza, of course Philza,” Tommy agrees immediately.

Wilbur shoves him, “You fanboy,” He taunts. 

“I’m not a fanboy, I just appreciate that I am in the presence of a legend. Two legends in fact,” Tommy justifies before adding, “You are not one of those legends.”

Wilbur rolls his eyes, “I figured.”

“No offense, it’s just - y’know, you were on a rampage trying to murder me for a while,” Tommy shrugs.

“Sometimes, I still think about it,” Wilbur smiles sinisterly.

Tommy subtly edges himself closer to Technoblade on the couch.

“So, Uno?” Philza tries again.

“Yes, Philza, anything for you Philza,” Tommy salutes.

Technoblade shrugs, “Yeah, I’ll probably win again.”

“That’s a fucking lie, last time was a fluke,” Wilbur scowls.

“Was it?” Technoblade smirks, “And what about the five rounds before that?”

Wilbur glares, “Flukes.”

Technoblade snorts, “Okay dude,” He turns to Tommy, leaning into to whisper, “He’s so bad. He’s so bad at the game.”

“I can  _ hear  _ you,” Wilbur kicks his twin in the leg. “ _ Dive out-“ _

“Wilbur no!” Philza smacks the man upside the head. “No defenestration.”

Wilbur sulks, slumping down into the couch, “Whatever.”

“Okay, so let’s just fucking play Uno,” Philza sighs.

_____

“You can’t do that!”

“What do you mean I can’t do that?! I’m playing by the rules.”

“You’re fucking cheating!”

“ _ You’re  _ cheating!”

“Boys-“

“This game is so scuffed, oh my god.”

“The deck wasn’t shuffled properly! How do you get three plus twos?! It’s fucking rigged.”

“You’re rigged!”

“No,  _ you’re  _ rigged you fucking gremlin!”

“Don’t even try it bitch boy! I am just so fucking epic, the poggest person in existence and you can’t handle it!”

“You’re delusional! You’re so delusional-“

“Just say you can’t handle my pogness and go!”

You know what?! I’m going to fucki-“

_____

  
  


“Wilbur, what do you say to Tommy?” Philza sits before them, expression solemn.

Wilbur averts his eyes to the ceiling, “ ...I’m sorry… for trying to throw you out the window.”

Philza turns to Tommy, “And what do

you say?”

Tommy rolls his eyes, arms crossed, “I’m sorry, for biting you repeatedly on the arm…”

“Thank you-“ Philza starts only to be cut off.

“I’m also sorry, for being fucking awesome and too powerful for you to handle,” Tommy stares at Wilbur.

Wilbur stares at Tommy, eyebrow twitching.

“You  _ fuckin-“ _

_____ 

  
  


“Can we watch this one?” Tommy asks, pointing to Moana on the tv screen.

“You’re actually a child,” Wilbur snorts.

“I want to watch it,” Tommy glares, “It has the  _ Rock  _ in it. I want him to know that I have watched his movie.”

Wilbur stares at him, “Why are you like this?”

“We’re watching Moana,” Tommy decides.

“Okay, Tommy,” Philza agrees easily while Technoblade shrugs

“You’re all soft,” Wilbur rolls his eyes. “Fine, put it on.”

Tommy grins. This is the best day ever. He’s with the best heroes ever, watching probably the most majestic movie to have ever been made.

He grabs Clementine, placing her on his lap, “You must watch, daughter, this is an important part of your childhood.”

Clementine blows a bubble.

He grins, “Yes, the  _ Rock. _ ”

_____

  
  


Techno glances down at the child resting on his shoulder. He gives a panicked look to Phil and Wilbur, “Help, he is touchin’ me.”

Phil laughs, “I’m sure you’ll be fine mate, he probably thinks you're safe enough to sleep on.”

That does not warm his heart. Not all. 

He looks back down at Tommy. His eyes are shut, and for once, the kid actually looks relaxed and  _ peaceful _ . His chaotic energy must have drained out.

Techno awkwardly shifts underneath the boy, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Tommy’s head falls onto his chest and he lets out a small noise. 

It’s not cute. It’s not.

“He’s adorable,” Phil smiles. Wilbur grunts despite the way his eyes are soft on the boy.

“He’s exhaustin’.”

“He’s a gremlin.”

“He’s  _ adorable,” _ Phil insists, reaching out a hand to brush Tommy’s hair off of his forehead. 

“Maybe,” Wilbur hums, “Still a gremlin.”

Techno finds he can’t disagree with either of the statements.

“Shouldn’t we get him home?” Techno suggests.

Phil hums, “We should,” His eyes show reluctance.

“Tommy,” Techno says gently, shaking the boy a bit. 

The teenager lets out a grumble, grabbing a fistful of Techno’s shirt.

“Tommy, wake up.”

“Fuck off,” He mumbles sleepily, making Techno huff in amusement. 

“Tommy, wake up, you’re drooling on me.”

The boy shakes his head, “Shhh Techie,” He slurs.

They all freeze.

That wasn’t cute. That wasn’t cute. That  _ wasn’t  _ cute. 

“That was so cute,” Wilbur whispers, Phil nodding.

“Your fondness is showing Wil,” Techno teases.

“You’re literally holding him,” Wilbur stares.

“Leave me alone,” He sniffs.

“Are we keeping him?” Wilbur asks Phil.

“Yeah,” Phil decides, “Yeah we are.”

_____

  
  


“Let me hold him.”

“No.”

“You’ve been holding him for like, an hour.”

“Yeah, cuz he likes me better.”

“Phil, tell Techno to give me Tommy.”

“Uh-“

“No, he has chosen me.”

“You’re not a fucking pokémon, give me the child.”

“No, get off me, you’re going to wake him.”

“No,  _ you’re  _ going to wake him.”

“No, you’re -“

“ _ Let go of Tommy and fuck off out the window.” _

“Wilbur, seriously?” Phil sighs.

Tommy blearily opens his eyes to the sight of Technoblade diving out into the air. 

He grins, “Defenestration Bros.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> typos? are u blind? (pls tell)
> 
> hello cult. how are u cult. hope u are well cult. sorry for the shortish chapter. BUT holy shit this fic is doing numbers thank you so much. we’re at like 80000 hits which is so crazy to me. thank you all so much. 
> 
> when i made this fic, it was immediately after reading one of sircantus’s fics (pls check them out, they are so pog. and i thought wow, i want a fic that’s as popular as that and as funny. i never thought too much about whether i’d actually get popular but here we are.
> 
> thank you thank you thank you. you guys are so pog. i have like 800 twitter moots and that’s crazy. 
> 
> ALSO kind of important. i’ve given up on having an update schedule. i knew i said i’d update once a week but i’m just going to do what i want. sorry haha but it will just be spontaneous. i might update twice in two days or not for two weeks and thats ok because this is my comfort fic that i write when i want to. it’s kinda scary now that’s it’s blown up because some of u guys have high expectations and detailed theories. let me just say this. i am child. i’m literally 16 and this is a crack fic, pls don’t expect much. i don’t think this fic out like my others because that’s not what this one is about, it’s literally just a way to relax when i’m feeling stressed (which is very often it seems lmao). so yh. 
> 
> anyways
> 
> cult pog <3
> 
> here’s some amazing fanart :)))  
> you can send fanart or just talk to me on twitter @bigbrainsimp
> 
> [big pog tommy fanart](https://twitter.com/technatblade/status/1370843986341072901?s=21)

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i have no explanation for this. i was bored and i had already updated some of my other stories so i was like eh
> 
> if theres typos no there arent

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Tommyinnit a Vigilante? Never.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350068) by [greenpinkroe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenpinkroe/pseuds/greenpinkroe)
  * [The Super Amazing, Awesome, and Cool](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29946687) by [SalmonSteak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalmonSteak/pseuds/SalmonSteak)
  * [tommyinnit's slightly beatable method of avoiding sudden death](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30006939) by [mania_sama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mania_sama/pseuds/mania_sama)
  * [tommyinnit but he's the avatar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30063888) by [axeidentall](https://archiveofourown.org/users/axeidentall/pseuds/axeidentall)
  * [Surviving social interaction 101; An extremely unhelpful guide by Ranboo. (Please Do Not Read!)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30090375) by [BeesAreCool_IThink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeesAreCool_IThink/pseuds/BeesAreCool_IThink)




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